Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to the first (and possibly last) edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a new and exciting column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks at horroryearbook decide to send my way.

I’m hoping that by doing this column more dvd companies will be inspired to send along their offerings in hopes of obtaining that ever elusive and incredibly valuable Brain Hammer seal of approval. I also REALLY want to see my name in big letters on dvd covers. You need a cheap blurb for your ads and don’t mind having your film sodomized in the process? Send it to Brain Hammer! It’s that simple. Besides, how fucking cool would a blurb like GOOD GORY FUN! – Brain Hammer, Horroryearbook.com look on your dvd cover? Why should the whores at Ain’t It Fat and Bloody Retards have all the fun? I can be just as big a whore as those losers, and my reviews are actually funny. Let’s make this happen people. I smell money…

Speaking of things that smell, I just had the unique pleasure of watching not one, but TWO upcoming films from the dreaded duo of Jim O’ Rear and Ted Alderman. In the last few years these two chaps have been carving up a career for themselves in the direct to video horror market. Jacks of all trades, Jim and Ted are both actors, producers, and directors. Jim is quite the prolific writer, and has eight different writing credits in the last seven years. Titles like HAYRIDE SLAUGHTER and TORTURE ROOM should give you a basic idea of what Jim likes to write about.

My night in the torture room began with THE DEEPENING. The plot revolves around a NYC fireman named Ted (Ted Alderman) with post traumatic stress disorder who moves to a hick town in the middle of nowhere to put the grisly memories of 9-11 behind him. Ted’s only friend is the town’s pussy magnet Jim. (Jim O’ Rear) Despite looking like an emaciated version of Ed Norton in AMERICAN HISTORY X, Jim somehow manages to bump uglies with every chick he lays eyes on. Jim sets Ted up on a double date with two fuck crazy cousins, but the fun is short lived as a homicidal lunatic in a fireman’s outfit crashes the party and turns Ted’s date into mincemeat. The masked psycho hacks up anyone who crosses his path, and Jim & Ted try to solve the mystery of the killer’s identity before the cops can pin the murders on them instead.

This film appears to have been made with the sole purpose of allowing Jim O’ Rear to star in multiple sex scenes with his female co-stars. It’s hard to get in a sexy mood while watching these scenes because Jim resembles a less masculine, bald version of Steve Buscemi. The extended sex scene with Debbie Rochon made me seriously wish that I had some bleach on hand to splash in my eyes. In two of the sex scenes Jim is kind enough to leave his pants on, which is a good thing because it allows Jim to demonstrate his impressive jean-jamming technique and it spares the viewer the misery of seeing his scrawny naked ass.

I hate to pick on old Jim, but he really is the film’s major fault. THE DEEPENING plays out like a vanity piece. It’s painfully obvious that Jim wrote this movie so that he could star in it and portray himself as some sort of irresistible ladies man. Even worse are the numerous scenes where Jim’s character gets tough and displays his slightly less than impressive fighting and gun skills. With his paunchy belly and scrawny chicken arms it’s hard to take him seriously as a tough guy. He sort of looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin after chemotherapy.

Ted Alderman on the other hand is a decent enough actor and not a bad looking guy. He sort of looks like Robert Forrester. Being a martial arts expert helps save his fight scenes from completely sucking. The rest of the cast are all uniformly awful and unappealing. The amateur actors are about as pitiful as you might expect, and the more well known performers like Gunnar Hansen and Debbie Rochon aren’t given a lot of screen time. I have to admit, I find it somewhat hilarious that Gunnar Hansen refused to appear in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Parts II, III, or IV because they wouldn’t pay him “what he was worth” and then goes on to appear in dung like this. He must be broke.

Some fans might find THE DEEPENING to be a fun tribute to the classic masked slasher flicks of the 80’s but I just don’t see it that way. No amount of blood or boobs could save this flick from being garbage. On the plus side, the splatter and nudity are quite plentiful throughout. There’s no shortage of hot chicks or hacked limbs, so THE DEEPENING might make lovers of cheese and sleaze very happy for that reason alone. Why this film is called THE DEEPENING remains a mystery, but who cares?

Next up on the chopping block was a sneak peak at Jim O’ Rear’s upcoming film SCREAM FARM. Some killer buds laced with a bizarre experimental drug cause whoever smokes them to turn into blood thirsty maniacs. Double crossed drug dealers hide their stash inside an old barn which coincidentally enough is also being used as a Halloween haunted house attraction. The college kids running the haunted house stumble upon the toxic reefer and soon afterwards the place is crawling with murderous maniacs on a kill crazy rampage. The shit really hits the fan when ruthless mobsters (led by Jim O’ Rear and Ted Alderman) also show up at the barn looking for the punks that ripped them off.

I have to say, I thought SCREAM FARM was the better film of the two. That’s actually not much of a compliment, but I’m desperately trying to put a positive spin on things. This is another one of those zombie flicks that doesn’t have any real zombies in it. The psycho killers reminded me of a cross between the ghouls in BLOODEATERS and the lunatics in 28 DAYS LATER. There’s no shortage of bloody mayhem on display, and that’s pretty much all I can say in the film’s defense.

The acting in this flick was really pathetic. All of the leads are fucking terrible. Jim O’ Rear mercifully doesn’t have any sex scenes in this movie, but he does still manage to grope a couple of his actresses, the creepy looking pervert. I have to admit, by the end of this double feature I was really sick of looking at his face. His bug eyes, sweaty forehead, and annoying voice will haunt my dreams for many months to come. I want to hurt Jim, but I could never hurt him like he hurt me by making these films in the first place. I’m going to go have a good long cry now.

KEEP THE BLOOD AND BLURBS FLOWING!!!