Killer Pad (2008)
Directed by Robert Englund

Damn near twenty years ago “A Nightmare on Elm Street’s” Freddy Kruger AKA Robert Englund took a swipe at directing. His film, “976-EVIL” met with mixed reviews but went on to become legendary late night cable fodder. Englund decided to return for his sophomore effort behind the lens with “Killer Pad,” a decidedly sophomoric horror comedy that sadly fails as both a horror or a comedy film.

Three annoyingly stupid friends move out of their family homes in the mid-west and drive to California in search of new exciting lives. After their dog keeps them from moving into their originally rented apartment, the dorks happen upon one of the film’s two positive moments an Asian transvestite landlord (Bobby Lee, ya know, the Asian guy that’s too funny to be on “Mad TV”) who rents them a “Killer Pad” up in the Hollywood Hills. Shortly after the morons move into the too good to be true house strange things start happening. They find an evil dog in their basement along with a fire filled hole, empty beer cans assemble themselves into pentagrams and many more occurrences that would have anybody else packing their bags. But in their eternal quest for poontang and intoxication the boys overlook the obvious and plan the biggest bash the neighborhood has ever seen. You could say that the boys were looking to raise a little hell. And as shitty as that pun was it’s ten times cleverer than the obvious jokes first time script writer Dan Stoller stinks this boring flick up with.

“Killer Pad’s” biggest offense is that it’s a “PG-13″ shitfest disguised as an “R” rated horror comedy with “hot” chicks on the front cover and a warning on the back that the film contains “Sexual humor including nudity and some violent content.” The film’s only nudity is the ass cheeks of a male midget. That’s it, no tits whatsoever and hardly any exposure of the female form occurs during the film’s grueling eighty four minute run time. But given the rather homely look of most of these girls in the cast that might not have been a bad thing. And as for violent content almost nothing even resembling violence occurs on screen. There is the occasional severed head here and there but the actual beheadings all happen out of shot.

In fact, the only violent content I could see on screen in “Killer Pad” was one of the main actor’s inner torment with having to play a straight character. I won’t say which of the three guys it is, watch it and guess for yourselves. Here’s a hint: If you end up guessing all three you won’t be wrong. If there is ever a filmmaker looking to cast young versions of Liberace, Kevin Spacey and John Travolta and have them living in an apartment together then I think I know the trio for that project.

On top of the unfunny naïve main charters, appearances by losers like Joey (I used to say “Woah” on “Blossom” but now I shave my head to hide my hairline) Lawrence and that horrible, horrible pudgy little troll Andy Milonakis make the film almost unwatchable. It’s painfully obvious that Milonakis has no comedic timing or acting ability yet people continue to cast him in projects due to his name recognition with the fifteen year old MTV audience. Speaking of which I have to be fair and admit that I am about twice the age of this film’s demographic. But goddamn it if you put Robert Englund’s name on an “R” rated DVD that literally promises humor, nudity and violence on the box itself then you damn well better deliver on it. This film is not for fans of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “976-EVIL.” In fact, with the exception of “Meet the Deedles” “Killer Pad” has more in common with “Hanna Montana” than anything else Englund has worked on.

“Killer Pad’s” only other positive is the use of the hilarious Hector Jimenez who’s genuinely funny nature overtakes ever scene he appears in. Jimenez is probably best known as the side kick from the disastrously unfunny “Nacho Libra.” With films like these on his resume Jimenez is going to end up being known as “that funny guy from that shitty movie.” As a huge fan of Robert Englund’s work both in front of and behind the camera I really wanted to like this movie but I simply couldn’t lie to myself the way the main actors do to their parents when they go home for the holidays and talk about their “girlfriends.”

3 out of 10 Andy Milonakis chins.

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