Wow, we used to watch a lot of crap in the 90’s, and I guess Swamp Thing: The Series was part of that category. If you wasted a lot of beautiful Saturday afternoons watching Small Wonder, or Evie Garland on Out of This World, or if you own the Saved by the Bell DVD box set, this may be for you. But be warned, Swamp Thing: The Series is really only for serious crap hunters, because this is truly a test for even the best of us.
(I am of course using the word “crap” as a term of endearment.)
I honestly do not know what Swamp Thing is best known for; whether it’s Alan Moore’s (Watchmen) run on the comic, Wes Craven’s original movie, or Jim Wynorski’s campy sequel, but I am pretty sure it is not for the TV show. The problem is Swamp Thing is a pussy. Superheroes need to kick ass, and all Swamp Thing ever does is sneak around a swamp talking to himself. He is a pacifist-hippie who protects trees and bushes, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t throw a punch to protect his swamp a little more often. The bulk of Swamp Thing’s villains on the show are scientists, eviction notices, and flies instead of anything menacing, so why would he get off his slimy ass and do anything but mope when he doesn’t have to? There isn’t really anything else for him to do. It takes around nine episodes for even the first mutant to show up (not counting the ones chained up in a cave you see in the first couple of episodes) making the most evil thing on the show Dr. Arcane’s bad haircut.
Swamp Thing is a serious show, kind of like Lassie if the dog were an ex-mutated-scientist. It focuses more on the human characters. Swamp Thing is only there for background, which he is good at because he happens to be made out of it. He might as well sit on the couch and watch the show with you because that is all he is really good for. The only camp you are going to get out of this is what you make out of it because none of it is intentional. There are plenty of Mystery Science Theatre moments, but unfortunately for most people there are no puppets to point it out for them.
When Jim’s (the Timmy type character) Mom makes him move out of Philadelphia to the swamp (“Same thing.”-Andrew) to live with his grandmother because he lies too much (yeah I have no idea either). He quickly warms up to his new home after he finds a dead midget who Swamp Thing (Lassie) brings back to life. I personally would have stuck it out with the crack-heads in Philly, but it seems Jim prefers deceased dwarfs and poo gas. Regrettably for Timmy, his grandmother dies during the second episode and he is stuck living with his mother in her home because Swamp Thing keeps showing his mom a green locket she lost as a child which makes her decide not to leave. The only tradeoff is that he gets his own personal guardian who follows him around like a creepy green pedophile.
Jim is a clueless little bore who treats his Mother like a two-bit whore while he wanders around the swamp full of hungry alligators, men made of shrubbery, and other dangerous vagrants. Trust me when I tell you that I lived in the ghetto of Philadelphia and there were fewer dangers there than in this place, but Jim continues to wonder around aimlessly getting into trouble. What is that Lassie? A radioactive bug bit Timmy again? Jim would have been better off hanging out with bums on the streets. The ones I grew up with got me in less trouble. Heroin addiction is a lot less hairy than the shit Jim gets wrapped up in on a daily basis.
I thought about writing a complete episode guide but most people probably stopped reading this by now. So I will run through some of the cheesy and non-cheesy highlights of Swamp Thing: The Series instead. Make sure to look for the boom mic, which makes a few appearances because even it was so bored it keeps nodding off and getting in the frames. Also do not miss the episode Falco where Peter Richman shows up with a bird arm. He is the result of Arcane’s reverse experiments turning a bird into a human instead of human into a mutant. Nothing too exciting happens but it truly is a sight to be seen.
(Arcane is the evil scientist, archrival of Swamp Thing in case you didn’t know. He is responsible for almost any evil that goes on at the swamp.)
In New Acquaintance, Jim finally makes a friend who turns out to be a mysterious little girl carrying around a bloody bag, but is she really the evil one? Nope it turns out to be the dorkiest fat kid I have ever seen that is the villain (Did I ruin it for you? No I saved you time, you’ll thank me later). Swamp Thing saves the day by making some wind.
Spirit of the Swamp is the first episode where some real villains show up. Some guys name I can’t remember as a black voodoo priest may be the highlight of the first season, making Jim’s mom run around in red lingerie to catch the Swamp Thing. Nine episodes in, Swamp Thing finally gets to fight in Legend of the Swamp Maiden, where he takes on a local boy who was turned into a frog by the sexy and naked (don’t bother slowing down the naked parts I already did, nothing slips out) Swamp Spirit. Sadly the frog-boy fights like a bitch just flailing his arms which makes it not much of a fight. This is where the series starts to take a turn and Swampy finally starts to grow a pair of balls, strangling one two-bit mutant and threatening tabloid reporters, but then the first season is almost over at this point. It is only 13 episodes long and thank god.
There are a few hidden Easter Eggs on the first two discs, just look for the little Swamp Thing on the episode selection screen. One is one of Swamp Thing creator so and so talking about the new Swamp Thing movie. Let’s hope he at least kicks some ass in that.
(The Swamp Thing: The Series Box Set contains both seasons of Swamp Thing plus bonus interviews with Dick Durock (Swamp Thing) review of season two coming soon.)
