THE ATTIC (2008)
Directed by Mary Lambert
Starring: Elisabeth Moss, Jason Lewis, Tom Malloy, John Savage
“UGH”. No wait. That’s putting it lightly. How bout… “AWWWGGGH Shhhhit No”. Yeah, I think that’s what came out of my mouth for the third time suffering through the schizophrenic catastrophe of The Attic. Or was it the second time? I don’t remember. I was drunk halfway through. What can I say? It drove me to drink. (INSIDER EXCLUSIVE! I generally watch films twice before I do these reviews.) We’re not talking beer from Wisconsin this time folks, either. Oh no. No no no. I had to pull out my good buddy Jack for some smack this time. Let’s see if he saves me for this review or does what he always does: Leave my sorry ass on the bathroom floor and never call again.
The Attic - From the director of Pet Semetary? Say what? If memory serves me correctly, Pet Semetary was actually a decent flick, but then, it’s been so long since I’ve seen it, and I was probably with my high school sweetheart which means I was probably thinking half the time during the movie if we were gonna do it in the basement, front porch or the backseat of my LeBaron again. No, The Attic appears to be more from the director of Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style: It’s ruthless, sporadic, chaotic, and discombobulated! Yes, the big words must come out to play. It’s a mess. Right away, the film treats us to some of the worst editing ever in a film. A girl in a bathtub, cut to a girl seeing another girl, cut to a girl standing on ledge ready to slip and break her neck while holding her breasts (why? Nobody’s around, baby) cut to girl already on the ground. Hmmm… I guess she already fell. Was I supposed to be scared by this or shown that it doesn’t hurt to slip out of the bathtub and land face first onto the floor? I’ll be right back. I gotta go check this out…
Sonuvabitch that hurt. Okay folks, that was nothing like the movie. I slipped backwards, hit my head on the shower head, then slammed my back into the shampoo holder, twisted my ankle, and fell on my ass… in the tub. Yeah… I never made it out. Remember this kids. Bathtub slipping in movies is totally false, and don’t hurt as much than in real life. Don’t worry. That’s free, and I did that just for you, my faithful reader.
The movie is basically about a house that turns lovely college girls into psycho twin sisters that just like to pop in here and there to remind their twin that her period is coming so pack up on the Tampax and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Okay, I exaggerate, a little, but I’m pretty sure those that have seen this movie would reply to that with a “You know, I NEVER looked at it that way. You’re a genius, Mr. Fish!” I know, I know. Don’t have to remind me. But I do have to remind you that though that little blurb made the film interesting, it’s really not. No, The Attic is a great idea with every single wrong person executing it. From screenwriter to director, to the freaking catering, this movie has all the wrong people attached. Now that folks, is a bloody mess.
Our main actress is Elisabeth Moss. That’s not what I like to call her though. Nope, her name to me is Angela Polley because some scientist in a Hollywood lab took Angela Bettis DNA and spliced it with Sarah Polley’s. Most would think that’s a pretty cool hybrid, but that’s like saying Brundle Fly was voted sexiest male of the year by People-Fly Magazine. Now I love Sarah Polley and would definitely make babies with her until we had our own Brady Bunch, so when Elisabeth shows that soft side of her acting, it’s kinda nice. You know, like that warm, Snuggle-fresh blanket from the dryer. But then that crazy-ass Angela Bettis side comes out, and my blankie is stolen away, stepped and pissed on by some psychotic lady I don’t even know! Talk about harsh, and this is acting we’re talking about! I don’t think it’s entirely Elisabeth’s fault though. I think she was just trying to find something in such a hollow character that it literally drove her nuts, and the director was just enthralled by it. “Oh my god, it’s so real!” an amazed Mary Lambert screams. And Elisabeth is probably nodding her head, “Yeah… IT IS! Lock me up!” And throughout the movie, her parents are trying to get her to eat. What? WHY? Elisabeth Moss has calves more muscular than an American Gladiator, and I think the badunkadunk was a little full in those attic scenes. I don’t know. Might have been a poor decision on the costume department with that wide-ass dress. “Oh honey. You’re so thin. You’re wasting away. Eat Something!” And here I’m grinding my teeth, “Don’t you dare pick up that damn fork, Triple H. You just keep starving until you make me actually believe your character isn’t eating anything!”
Cue “the hot guy from Sex in the City” to enter scene. Jason Lewis, aka Smith, immediately shines some light with his golden hair and bleached teeth as he takes Miss Beefy Calves by the nipples and says, “I’m supposed to be scary, but I’m just too damn hot to pull through. Cigarette?” Yeah, therein lays another problem with The Attic. Jason’s “Trevor” character is the villain, and yet, we’re supposed to wait until the end for the M. Night Shama-lambda-zeta-chi twist ending. Screw it. Doesn’t work here. This movie relies too much on psychotic floundering and spooky lingering until it bores the shit out of the viewer and makes some like me, suck on the end of a UV Vodka bottle like a teat. I bet that’s why Jack Haigis did such a piss poor job of editing. “Dude, my pooh smells better than this. I’m just gonna pour acid all over it and see how it tapes together!”
And now the ladies reading this are screaming, “Does Smith get nekkid? Oh please!” If you count a hairy leg being nekkid, then ladies… you’re in for a sound night of sleep. It’s actually the highlight of the film though. Elisabeth’s character screams at Jason’s character, “You just wanna fuck me, right? That’s all you want, right?” and Jason’s character is all nice and gentlemanly-like, “No baby. I just want calves like yours. Don’t hate me.” They smile. Jason gives puppy eyes. Elisabeth giggles. And then they fuck. Men are such liars, aren’t we? Yep… I think the editor was laughing on that one as well.
The low point of the film is when Elisabeth gives the “Ultimate Woman Speech”. The one we’ve heard over and over and has no dramatic effect whatsoever anymore because it’s been done over more times than Britney’s cooch on YouTube. (Dang. Spellcheck says “cooch” is spelled wrong. Funny… Spellcheck says “Spellcheck” is spelled wrong. No wonder Bill Gates retired!) Anyhoo-hoo, for those that don’t know this famous speech, here goes. Etch it onto your neighbor’s driveway too! He’ll love it. “How dare you. HOW DARE YOU…Come in here and tell me I have a choice.” While it’s a brave scene for Elisabeth Moss and I give her kudos for growing the balls to do it, I just can’t help cringing like a green and yellow-striped tiger during that speech. He-Man, save me!
I forgot to mention the best actor in the film is the autistic gay brother played by the screenwriter. And here I thought I wasn’t going to be able to write anything about The Attic! I’d say stay far, far away from this ten car pile-up, but then I know some of you love a little danger in your lives. Be brave, my fellow horror fiends. Tis a tough journey ahead, and make sure that a bottle of something 80 proof is ready to pour for the next 80 minutes.
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