Directed by Matt Flynn

Starring: Danica McKellar, Juliet Landau, Sean Kanan, and William Forsythe

There are three rules learned in film school.
1.) Stay away from “The Saturday Morning Cartoon” conversation.
2.) Every movie you make will be like three others made before you.
3.) Don’t have your characters talk about other movies…specifically.

So… Writer/Director Matt Flynn turns into a snake and decidesssssss to call his movie “HACK!” and be upfront about these rule-breaking schemes, borrowing movie clichés and forcing characters to play the dreaded movie name game. And you know what… he gone done film school wrong.

HACK! is just that. A hack writer’s dream come true, where his borrowed piece of leftover sandwich meat tossed in with a side of good acting and blood and guts becomes the soup d’jour of Hollywood. Okay, not that big, yet, but definitely a glimmer of hope if Quentin Tarantino catches a hold of this director like he did with Eli Roth fresh off Cabin Fever. Seriously, Matt Flynn has talent in the horror genre… especially for having the balls to take Paulie and Duke out of the Rocky movies and make them splatter across the screen. Yo, Adrienne!

Now that’s not to say HACK! is the greatest thing since spermicidal lubricant. It has its fresh out of film school problems, fo sho. For instance, Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans will most assuredly watch this film to see their beloved Drusilla, Juliet Landau, prance all over the screen like a dead fairy. And like her “Spikey” counterpart, she plays yet again the role of loveable nutball. The problem with her is that the lighting crew appears to be diehard Charmed fans, making her face burn brighter than an exploding sun. I think I actually heard a grip scream in the background, “Piper would wipe the floor with Drusilla’s face!” Touche. And then there’s the opening scene where special guest in a Scream-like sequence, Kane Hodder, gets butchered up like one of his many victims as Jason Voorhees. But instead, it’s a little flat and interrupted, unlike Drew Barrymore’s brilliant opener.

Actually, this movie is littered with memorable, if not, favorable TV actors. Most notably is our star, Danica McKellar, aka “first boner girl” from The Wonder Years. Funny story, I dated a girl that looked just like Winnie Cooper in high school, only my Winnie got nekkid at the snap of two fingers! Danica appears to have been sleeping in Michael Jackson’s cryogenic bed because she’s still that alluring little lady you wanna see without clothes on… just to block out the buster chin. She’s adorable still, and I still want to see her nekkid. (Sorry folks, Matt didn’t pull through for us on that one, but he did get…) Gabrielle Richens from Celebrity Survivor shows why she’s called “The Pleasure Machine” as we get to see her T&A. And boy, oh boy, when that top comes off and we see those perfect melons breathe, all I could think of was Roger Rabbit and his eyballs stretching from his face. PuhPuhPuhLeazzzzzze Eddie! (I actually put on my leftover 3-D glasses from Beowulf during that scene.) Travis Schuldt continues his Scrubs surfer nurse persona, Keith, in this film, only with nasty gas and jock itch. And soap opera star slash “I’ve been in more shows that died than Adam Baldwin” Sean Kanan makes a scary lead, and an even scarier producer! I was quite impressed with this blonde playa player, and methinks he should produce more. (I’d mention William Forsythe’s role in this flick, but I’m desperately trying to forget Captain McAllister’s “Dreaded Doofus with No Purpose” character.)

So back to the flick. What makes HACK! fun, and yet, disturbingly hard to deceive MS Word spellcheck with that damn exclamation mark? It’s all about the benjamins and cheese. While it’s fun to see our A-Team of B-TV superstars, the film itself teeters on being pure entertainment and purely moronic. The money poured into it makes it visually appealing, but there’s something wrong in the storytelling. Basically, imagine the Scary Movie franchise being totally serious in their copying of popular films. Yeah… crazy thought, huh? I ain’t joking either. You see me smiling? Nope. That’s the truth, Ruth. Even the crazy dude from Dead Man on Campus, Lochlyn Munro dares you to laugh when he finally shows up, and you’re awaiting that huge exhale of giggles to come bursting out once he jerks his neck and bursts a right iris. But instead, it’s crickets. No laugh for you, Mr. Wong. And that’s a head scratcher.

I must say, it’s very intriguing to watch a film filled with so many clichés and cringeworthy movie talk try and ride the straight and narrow road, and still manage to keep your thumb off the fast search button. I’ve been wanting another Cabin Fever or Bad Taste, and I might have found it. I’ll have to watch it a third time with beer to answer that. But the future of it all depends on Matt Flynn’s next move-e. Just don’t make it a sequel to HACK! bro. You ain’t got Ice Cube and you ain’t no anaconda. Peace.

Read all Mike Fish’s Articles in his Archives