Wait… before we get into this review, you have to do this. You… yes you! This is the most fun you’ll have all year with your voice next to the extra inhale on the whipped cream can on Thanksgiving. Say the title of the film as if you were Will Ferrell playing a werewolf with a cold… or just plain old Wesley Snipes.
“MANNNN-Ti-CoRRRRRRRR”
It’s been a week since I first got this flick, and the catchy title vocal performance is the only thing I gained from it, so I thought I’d share the campy fun with you all. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming on the Sci-Fi Channel.
MANTICORE is a Sci-Fi Channel movie. This needs to be established. Many of us have experienced the exciting trailers for these movies on the channel that plays high quality television such as Battlestar Galactica and Eureka and I bet few have actually made it through a Sci-Fi Channel movie, loving that they stayed at home it on a Friday night to watch it. Okay, maybe that last part was just me, but you get the gist. But I have to say, why do these seemingly fun and attractive ideas turn into gobs of goo and regret on the Sci-Fi Channel?
Manticore is basically The Relic in the desert, with a mythical monster on the loose that is seemingly unkillable, only The Relic is ten times better. Now that doesn’t say much to some, but the comparison shows really just one mistake that the channel commonly makes in its straight-to-Elvira series of movies: refinery. In all areas, from script to visual effects, Manticore falls short of capturing an audience with any kind of feeling or emotion. You’re not scared. You’re not humored. You’re not thrilled at all. Instead, you’re annoyed and irritated, making a bad case of poison ivy seem delightfully ticklish.
The most notable observation of torture is the unfinished CGI on the monster. It’s half lion, half dragon, and all 1993 Saturday morning Reboot. How lighting, texture, and size are ignored with the visual effects, especially in a desert, is beyond me, but this is seen all too often from the typical Sci-Fi Channel fare. The beast is too cartoony to suspend disbelief, or even open for laughter.
That’s not to say some films can benefit from the cheesiness of the visual effects, such as the classic Merlot Swiss flavor of Deep Blue Sea or the sharp cheddar Pinot Grigio of Lake Placid, but what separates Manticore from these loveable flubs is an entertaining script filled with dialogue that would make Joss Whedon laugh with joy. Instead, Manticore relies upon standard clichés to help get from point A to point F, and I feel both extremely smart from figuring out how to kill the indestructible monster in ten different ways and dumb for just watching it altogether. I mean, come on, in one line, the entire movie gets tossed in the trash like day old bagels. “With one of them destroyed, you can NEVER kill the beast!!” Well, then, yeah… how did the other one get destroyed there evil-guy-with-no-purpose-to-be-in-the-third-act? It’s scenes like this that throw a thought balloon out from the DVD case saying, “I coulda been a contender, but the budget, writers, and visual effects guys wouldn’t allow me.” And the acting is probably the only light of hope going for it, but that’s like using a glowlight on a Fossil watch in an underground cave. I had a slight crush on Heather Donahue from The Blair Witch Project, only because she was tough and sassy. (I likes em sassy!!) But I’m a big fan of Jeff Fahey, and his undeserved presence in the flick cancels out that small attraction for Donahue. It’s a good thing Robert Rodriguez saved his flavory ass in Planet Terror cuz Fahey deserves the “Travolta Resurrection” like no other.
Not even a smorgasbord of cheese and many bottles of wine can make the Manticore monster and this movie even remotely fun, and it’s a shame. I’d rather verbally beat on folks like Michael Bay for making mindless remakes and stealing my hard-earned two hours of drinking down at the local pub. But hey, keep saying the title in a low voice. It’s friggen contagious, and could become the new Showgirls joke given time… and well, exposure I guess too. MANNNN-Ti-CoRRRRRRRRR!
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