Here is the real cast breakdown for the upcoming FRIDAY THE 13TH remake by Michael Nipple and Michael Bay.

The character names and descriptions are completely real, but I inserted who would be the perfect candidates based on their characteristics….

WHITNEY

Caucasian. Mid 20s. Younger sister to Clay. Pretty and strong girl. She has the smarts and the will to survive in the most desperate of circumstances

….to be played by Hayden Panettiere in a bikini, but minus the dolphins

CLAY

Caucasian. Late 20s. Older brother of Whitney. He’s good-looking and has a quiet inner confidence. He’s a dedicated and smart guy. All the girls definitely find him attractive.

….to be played by an unattached Chad Michael Murray during one of his divorces or Gary Coleman

CHUMBLER

Caucasian, early to mid-20s. A little chubby, but he wears his size well, along with his cool chin beard. He has a tendency to make wear his attraction to attractive girls on his sleeve. He has no shame. Please submit your funniest character actors.

….to be played by chubby Jonah Hill with no shame

TRENT

Caucasian, early to mid-20s. The Alpha-Male. He’s got money, and he wants you to be his friend… especially if you can do something for him.

….to be played by Kevin Federline & Britney Spears’ cash

JENNA

Caucasian, early to mid-20s. Trent’s date for the weekend. She’s great-looking, athletic, and the adventurous type. We wonder why she would be with Trent.

….to be played by Jessica Biel and her firm ass

LAWRENCE

Black, early to mid-20s. Good-looking and funny as hell. He’s smart and is already trying to get his own company started. He puts on a white sounding “good ol’ boy” voice when talking to his business associates.

….to be played by Kayne West in a muzzle

NOLAN

He wears a T-shirt that says F**K CHRISTMAS - The asterisks are snowflakes. But when an older woman walks by, he crosses his arms, covering it. Nolan poses as a rebel, but he’s just as square as the rest of us.

….to be played by Kayne West without a muzzle

CHELSEA

Attractive college girl. Friends with BREE, but not as sexy. PARTIAL NUDITY REQUIRED

….to be played by Vanessa Hudgens and her Nude Pictures

BREE

Attractive friend to Chelsea, definitely the sexier of the two, and she dresses to make sure you can tell the difference. Hot as Hell!

….to be played by Lindsay Lohan. Stripper pole required.

WADE

Caucasian, mid-20s. He’s technologically inclined… at least enough to use a GPS Receiver. He knows the story about Camp Crystal Lake and he tells it to his crew around a campfire.

….to be played by Fergie minus the drag

MIKE

Caucasian, mid-20s. Whitney’s boyfriend. He’s a genuine and logical guy. He makes sure that his friends, and especially Whitney, are safe and taken care of. He’s a really nice guy.

….to be played by John Krasinski who actually has some acting ability

AMANDA

Caucasian, mid-20s, voluptuous. Perfectly tanned and sexy. She’s into Richie…at least for the weekend. PARTIAL NUDITY REQUIRED

….to be played by Cerina Vincent and her fake breasts

RICHIE

Caucasian, mid-20s. Funny and definitely attracted to Amanda. He doesn’t waste time making a move on her.

….to be played by twitchy Matthew Lillard

Featuring CAMEOS from…

Mel Gibson as the angry Jew-hating camp counselor

Britney Spears as the druggie doing lines of coke in the woods

Dog the Bounty Hunter as the local town sheriff with a penchant for racist phone calls

Kate Hudson as the slut who makes out with Dax Shepard and then every other guy in the cast

Amy Winehouse as the town drunk that sings karaoke, but can’t remember the lines

Kayne West (in his third role) as the jive-talking janitor who says the government will not help the campers because George Bush hates Black people.

Tom Cruise as the crazy homeless man who mistakes Jason for an extraterrestrial dictator trying to control humans

Angelina Jolie as the kind rich woman who adopts the surviving teens at the end.

- Molly Celaschi