Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! This week’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPT are a terrible trio of high school hack ‘em ups. We can all relate to how bad high school sucks, and these fantastic flicks should more than satisfy anyone’s thirst for classroom carnage! LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN…
“Massacre At Central High”(1976)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0074875/
In what can only be described as a “what the fuck?” moment, “Massacre At Central High” actually begins with the final shot of the movie, and then works its way through an opening credits montage consisting of the film’s many brutal and explosive highlights set to a sensitive sounding Seventies soft rock song called “The Crossroads Of Your Life.” Once that insanity winds down we are introduced to David (Derrel Murray) – the new kid at Central High, a large high school located near the California coastline. David immediately runs afoul of the little league gestapo that dominates the school.
The terrible trio of Bruce (a snobby and domineering hang gliding enthusiast), Craig (an ill tempered diver with an impressive mane of chest hair), and Paul (a big blonde doofus surfer) have turned the students of Central High into scared mice. On David’s first day the thugs decide to punish a geek named Spoony (Robert “Revenge Of The Nerds”Carradine!) for painting a swastika on a locker as a form of social protest. David interveins, asking Spoony where to find the student lounge. Bruce informs David that he is looking for trouble, and that he will quickly find it unless he minds his own business.
David walks away and has a much more pleasant encounter with a pretty gal named Theresa. (Kimberly Beck of “Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter” fame!) Theresa points David in the direction of the student lounge, where his old pal Mark (Andrew “10 To Midnight” Stevens!) is waiting for him. David is shocked when he discovers that Mark is the fourth member of Bruce’s gang. Mark assures David that he’s riding pretty high around the campus with Bruce and the boys. He tries to convince David to drop his loner shit and just lay back and enjoy the place. Then Mark introduces David to his girlfriend – Theresa. The same Theresa that David met and fell in love with earlier. Bummer.
An afternoon with the gang spent showing David around degenerates into destruction when the boys decide to trash the beloved old jalopy belonging to Rodney (Rex Sikes), one of their less fortunate classmates. David comes along for the ride and hates it. He later apologizes to Rodney and agrees to help him fix his car. Soon afterward David is again appalled when he sees Bruce and company threaten a fat slob named Oscar with a switchblade. Then the bullies turn their attention toward the obnoxious handicapped volunteer assistant librarian Arthur and trash the library. When David goes to help Arthur clean up the mess Mark asks him what in the hell he’s doing and tells him that he’s going “to blow it.” David responds by telling his old friend Mark that he’s “already blown it for thinking you’re more than that poor guy.”
Things get really nasty when Bruce decides that a couple of his “bull dyke” classmates named Mary & Jane (Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith & Lani O’ Grady – both RIP) need a good fuck. Mark won’t have anything to do with the proceedings, but does nothing to stop it before leaving. Paul on the other hand thinks that rape “might be a new kick!” The three bastards drag the girls kicking and screaming into an empty classroom and attempt to have their way with them. Theresa shows up to interrupt the gang rape but Bruce quickly sends her packing. Then David shows up and hands all three of the punks their asses! David’s right hook is more than enough to rattle their brains. Incredibly, Theresa gets angry at David for fighting and runs off.
This leads to a tender sequence on the beach where David apologizes to Theresa. He admits that if he keeps jumping in without thinking and starts swinging he could “really blow it.” He then explains to Theresa that running is the only thing that keeps his anger under control. David and Theresa then frolic on the beach in the proud “Rocky III” tradition and then go for a night time swim in the nude. Mark and the gang find David’s jeep on the side of the road and Mark convinces them to give David one last chance. Bruce agrees, and sends Mark off to talk to him. Mark stumbles down to the beach and finds his best friend and his best gal too close for comfort. Devastated, Mark goes back to Bruce and tells him that he couldn’t talk any sense into David. He then begs his friends to settle the score with David later, when he’s not around to see it.
Later that night, Bruce, Paul, and Craig go to David’s house and confront him inside the garage – where David is working on Rodney’s car. David refuses to come out from under the car so Bruce gives him a shove which accidentally causes the heavy car frame to crash down onto David’s leg! David is crippled for life, but tells authorities that it was simply an accident and that he was alone at the time. After a few weeks in the hospital David returns to Central High with a limp and a thirst for revenge. He decides to liberate the students of Central High by eliminating the brutal bullies that oppress them. First on the hit list is Bruce, who is electrocuted after some hang glider sabotage. Then Craig is snuffed after diving headfirst into a drained pool. Finally big dumb Paul gets his in a fiery auto wreck.
The students of Central High are happy to finally be free, but it doesn’t take long for the formerly abused to become abusive themselves. Meet the old boss, same as the old boss. Fat slob Oscar begins throwing his weight around. Rodney becomes a snob who can’t stop fawning over his new car. Arthur becomes even more obnoxious and uses his superior intellect to insult the library patrons. Worst of all, Spoony, Mary, and Jane turn into self righteous hippies that decide who could use a “good fuck!”
One by one, the students all go up to David, looking to “join up” with him and rule the school together. Disgusted with the hypocrisy, and how quickly it takes place, David decides the only fair thing to do is to kill them too. David is no mercy killer. He decides how and when they will die. Arthur dies from lethal hearing-aid sabotage, Oscar and Rodney both get blown up real good, and Spoony, Mary, and Jane have their torrid three way fuck fest interrupted with dynamite and falling rocks! Then David goes to the student/alumni prom with a bomb. Can Mark and Theresa stop him in time? Thank God you’ve graduated!
I consider this to be the greatest teenage revenge flick of all time. Really, no other flick comes close when it comes to exploring teenage fascism. One of the greatest lines in the movie is “There’s definitely a message in all these accidents – the higher you feel, the deeper you fall.” It’s much more thought provoking than the usual Seventies exploitation fare. It works because the characters and the storyline are realistic. Nagging questions, like where in the hell are the teachers, parents, or police are easy to ignore. It’s also worth mentioning that the explosive ending was later lifted and recycled in the cult classic “Heathers.”
I would very much like to see a special edition dvd release of “Massacre At Central High.” This one deserves a larger audience, if only for being one of the few films that could never be remade.
Check out this awesome trailer!
“Graduation Day” (1981)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0082467/
A gifted high school track star named Paula drops dead after an especially grueling 30 second 100 meter dash. Her overbearing coach George Michaels (Christopher George of “Pieces” & ‘Enter The Ninja” legend!) assumes most of the blame for pushing the girl too hard and is eventually fired. Paula’s tragic accidental death inspires a psychopath to go on a killing rampage. A lunatic in a fencing outfit hacks their way through the remaining Midvalle High track team members and makes them run for their lives. Armed with a stopwatch, the killer always times the brutal murders and tries to kill in 30 seconds or less.
The less than prime suspects include the crabby coach, the switchblade wielding high school principal, Blondie - the principal’s secretary who is up to her garter belt in work, Virgil Frye (Revenge Of The Ninja) as the dimwitted and disgrunted campus security officer, the disgusting yet inexplicably popular horny old music teacher who suffers a little blackmail from the eternally topless and destined to be slaughtered Linnea Quigley, and Paula’s butch older sister Laura (Patch Mackenzie) - who has just returned home from the Marines for Paula’s funeral. Laura will be receiving Paula’s diploma at the upcoming Graduation Day ceremonies, if the quickly diminishing study body lasts that long. Graduating from high school has never been so deadly!
The co-writer and director Herb Freed was convinced that the secret to a successful slasher flick somehow related to the timing of the murder sequences. He thought that it had something to do with how quickly the lethal events took place, or how much time elapsed between the murder scenes. Interesting theory. But I have to question the overwhelming amount of ANNOYING MUSIC that was contained in Herb’s equasion for success. “Graduation Day” opens with a lengthy opening montage of young atheletes in action that reeks of stale disco cheese. Then there’s a downhome good ol’ whiteboy soul jam called “Graduation Day Blues” highlighted by the harmonica playing skills of the boyfriend of the dead girl. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as the unholy seven and half minutes dedicated to the band “Felony” and their wretched turd of a song called “Gangster Rock!” Despite the fact that this flick came out in 1981, Felony is painted up like those douche bags in Kiss and have a particuarly horrid disco-rock hybrid sound. The singer of the band is fucking terrible, and listening to seven monotonous minutes of the same verse and chorus is sheer torture. The music is far more brutal than the gore in this one.
Not to say that the killings are weak in “Graduation Day.” It delivers the goods when it comes to creative deaths. I love the football and pole vault impalements. There are also multiple beheadings, skewerings, and stabbings to enjoy. The shoddy gore effects are somewhat laughable, but there’s no shortage of blood. The acting is hit or miss but not nearly as bad as you might expect. Patch Mackenzie does a good job with a rather limited role and I love Christopher George as the asshole coach. Any flick with Christopher George is Brain Hammer approved. Christopher was even nice enough to get his sexy young neice Vanna White a small role in the film. The killer turns in a great performance too. I can’t say much more to avoid spoilers, but the final scene when the killer’s identity and motivations are revealed is excellent, as is the extended fight the killer has with the ass kicking herione.
“Graduation Day” came out during the peak of the slasher genre and managed to carve up some decent box office with nearly $24 million! It has gone on to become something of a cult classic, and a favorite of 80’s slasher enthusiasts. Troma released a very nice dvd of “Graduation Day” that includes a short interview with Linnea Quigley and a slew of the usual nonsense you have come to love and expect from a Troma dvd release including multiple trailers for other Troma films and an intro from Lloyd Kaufman.
“Cutting Class” (1989)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0097136/
Paula Carson (Jill Schoelen) is a pretty high school cheerleader who gets caught in a lover’s triangle between her troubled basketball superstar bad boy boyfriend Dwight (Brad Pitt, in his first major film role!) and Brian (Donavon Leitch), the disturbed yet sensitive new kid who has just been released from a mental institution after killing his father. Dwight and Brian have a secret history (Righty tighty, lefty loosey!) and when Brian shows up offering Paula his hot dog because she had “that look” Dwight explodes with jealousy.
When Paula’s Father (Martin Mull!) goes off for a duck hunting vacation he has an arrow put through his chest by an unseen assailant with a deadly grudge against the bumbling district attorney. Then the killer pursues Paula and eliminates any member of the student body or faculty that gets in the way. The asshole art teacher gets extra crispy inside a 500 degree kiln, the haggard vice principal (Nancy Fish) has her face smashed into a xerox machine, and the flabby gym coach is impaled with an American flag while happily bouncing on a trampoline! (the inspiration for Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving,” perhaps?) A couple of Paula’s friends are snuffed too. Then the killer sets a deadly trap inside a classroom for Paula and the Math teacher to solve or suffer the consequences. (“Saw” stole everything from this movie!) No one said surviving high school would be easy, but Paula didn’t didn’t know someone very close to her would be willing to kill to fit in.
Jill Schoelen is one of the more underrated “scream queens” in my opinion. She appeared in a string of memorable horror flicks including “Wes Craven’s Chiller” (1985), “The Stepfather” (1987), “Curse II: The Bite” (1988), “The Phantom Of The Opera” (1989), “Popcorn” (1991), and “When A Stranger Calls Back” (1993). Jill had/has two major assets going for her – she is beautiful, and she is a great actress. I want to be classy in writing this review in hopes that Jill might read it, but I have to go for the cheap laugh. She looks like somebody’s sister, somebody’s sister I would like to fuck. Sorry, I had to say that. Anyways, “Cutting Class” opens with a fantastic scene where Jill fetches the morning paper clad only in her white t-shirt and it’s sexy as hell! You don’t see anything, but she just looks so damn naughty doing it. I love that scene!
Pretty much the whole movie consists of men leering at Jill’s character. Every man in the movie (with the exception of her father) checks out her ass and tries to get her in the sack. The art teacher enjoys closely examining her stretching and accommodating young muscles. The flabby gym coach snuggles up close to help her improve her archery technique. Even the fruity high school principal played by the late great Roddy McDowall (Class Of 1984) can’t resist her. He even buys the cheerleader new uniforms just for the supreme pleasure of seeing Jill bend over in a short skirt to pick up the package! Jill carries the film as the leading lady with ease, and always looks great doing it. B-movie favorite Brenda James (Slither) co-stars and steals the show as the fast living hot blooded redhead cheerleader with no panties and breasts big enough to feed a family of four! WOW!
Then there’s the man himself – Brad Pitt. He plays a tough but tender high school rebel with a penchant for child endangerment. (he even wears a red jacket to make it obvious that he is a rebel without a cause!) He gets to display his incredible white boy basketball skills AND unleash a jivey sounding black voice to say “I ain’t got no basketball scholarship!” after blowing his big shot with “the university!” I especially like the scene where Brad assures his girlfriend that he’s bigger than her father “where it matters.” This is truly a debut leading man performance to be proud of.
Brad’s male co-star is the internet favorite Donovan Leitch. Popular with both the guys and the gals (especially the guys), Donovan also appeared in the 1988 remake of “The Blob.” (great flick) I got a chuckle out of reading his credit as “featured dancer” in the 1984 urban classic “Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo!” Donovan does a great job as the disturbed young man who rides a bike with rainbow tassels on the handlebars and and implores people to “gimme that man talk.” MAN TALK?!?
Director Rospo Pallenberg’s “Cutting Class” was one of the very last gasps of the 80’s slasher craze. And a great flick too. I think it’s criminally underrated and often misunderstood. It’s not so much a mocking parody of a high school slasher flick, but is instead a rather tame high school slasher flick done with a lot of cheesy humor. No surprise, as it was written by Steve Slavkin, who also wrote the beloved tv series “Salute Your Shorts!” There’s no graphic gore, but a fair amount of blood is splattered. The “mystery” of the the killer’s identity is sort of a joke, or perhaps I just find characters identified as “violent schizophrenics” who have endured hours of shock therapy to be overly suspicious.
Horror fans with a sense of humor and a taste for the gloriously cheesy 80’s should really enjoy this. Lionsgate was kind enough to recently release an “unrated version” of “Cutting Class” on dvd. This would make a great addition to any 80’s horror fan’s collection.
Check out some “Cutting Class” carnage!
KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!
Read All of “Brain Hammer’s Picks From the Crypt!”
