This week’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPT are a terrible trio of 80’s slasher flicks that are often overlooked or criminally underrated by fans and critics. I consider these flicks to be lost classics from the golden era of slashers. Sadly, as of yet there have been no proper dvd releases for these relatively obscure horror favorites, but I’d guess it’s only a matter of time. These are superior slashers that deliver the ample amounts of boobs and blood that deviants desire. LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!
“Pieces” (1982)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0082748/
Boston 1942. A blossoming young pervert named Timmy Reston sits alone in his bedroom putting together a jigsaw puzzle featuring a nude pin up girl. His emotionally unstable mother walks in and catches him red handed. Infuriated, she asks him where the filth came from and slaps around the little brat while demanding answers. She warns the boy that he will end up like his father and proceeds to slam a picture of the man into a mirror. This violent act appears to have a profound effect on the boy. Mrs. Reston sends her son off in search of a plastic bag so she can “junk” all of his toys. Timmy returns with an axe instead and repeatedly slams it into mommy’s skull! Then the pint sized psychopath removes mommy’s head with a saw! After shutting his mother up for good Timmy goes back to work on his blood splattered puzzle.
A friend of the family becomes concerned when she can’t reach Mrs. Reston and shows up with police. When the cops break in they discover a gruesome sight in the bedroom – enough blood on the floor to ensure that something had been butchered. Then they find Mrs. Reston’s severed head in a closet. Little Timmy is found cowering in another closet, covered in blood and whimpering about a “big man” that hurt his mommy. We are told that Mr. Reston is overseas in the Air Force and that the murderous little bastard Timmy will be sent to live with an Aunt who lives nearby.
After the opening credits we flash forward forty years to find an unseen killer (who is obviously Timmy Reston all grown up) on the prowl at a large New England university. A bizarre skateboarding accident involving a large pane of glass reminds the madman of his mother smashing the mirror with his father’s picture forty years before and inspires him to go on a brutal killing spree. The unseen slasher stalks after the sexy young students so he can remove their limbs with a chainsaw and use the pieces to create a human version of his prized pin up puzzle! His first victim is a tasty young co-ed that he decapitates with a chainsaw in broad daylight.
Hard boiled police detectives Lt. Bracken (Christopher George of “Grizzly” & “Enter The Ninja” fame!) and Sgt. Holden (Leslie Nielson lookalike Frank Bana, who also appeared in “Return Of The Evil Dead” & “Pod People”) are sent in to investigate the murder. They start with the Dean, who seems more concerned about bad publicity than the murder itself. The Dean (Edmund “Don’t Open Til Christmas” Purdom) turns the detectives on to the head of the anatomy department and closet campus queen – Professor Brown. (Jack Taylor, who appeared in numerous Spanish horror epics including “Ghost Galleon” & “Night Of The Sorcerers”) Professor Brown seems to think it might be “one of the boys,” but Sgt. Holden assures him that at this point the investigation consists of “buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size.”
Shortly afterwards we are introduced to the campus stud Kendall James. (Ian “IT STINKS!” Sera) A blonde hardbody sends Kendall an invitation to fuck in the campus swimming pool later. Kendall accepts the invitation of course, but the killer beats him to the pool room and proceeds to net the girl like a large fish and then shear away her limbs with his trusty saw. This time the madman takes the girls’ torso as a souvenir. The temperamental and sneering campus gardener Will-Ard (unforgettably portrayed by Paul “Bluto” Smith!) stumbles upon the bloody crime scene and has a wild run in with the cops that ends with Sgt. Holden threatening to “BLOW his brains out!”
The detectives question Kendall and his nerdy best friend Goggles and wind up believing that Kendall had nothing to do with the murder. Lt. Brown even decides to turn to Kendall for help with the investigation. He also arranges for an undercover police officer named Mary Riggs (played by Christopher George’s wife – Lynda Day George, who also starred in “Mortuary” & “Day Of The Animals”) to join the campus faculty as the new female tennis coach.
Meanwhile, the killer decides he needs a pair of arms and decides to relieve a pretty young dance major of hers inside an elevator. Kendall hears her screams of torment and barks out orders to the police officers on the scene. The sight of the limbless girl in the elevator is enough to make a seasoned police officer puke his guts up, but Kendall immediately seizes control of the situation and tells the guy to go call an ambulance! The girl initially survives the attack but dies in the hospital from the massive shock and loss of blood before she can identify the killer. Mary searches for clues and stumbles upon the “Kung Fu Professor,” who attacks her because of something he ate. “Bad chop suey maybe.”
The mad butcher then sets his sights on the legs of Susie Billings, a sexy young tennis player. The ever resourceful killer sabotages the campus P.A. System so it continuously plays canned intermission music. This makes a perfect cover up for the sound of his chainsaw. While Mary, Kendall, and Will-Ard are fumbling around with the music the lousy bastard kills her. It’s all enough to make Mary unleash a devastating display of sheer frustration! “BASTARD!”
Lt. Brown turns to Kendall yet again for help and sends him to the record vault with Sgt. Holden to pour over files looking for any reference to the campus staff. Mary goes to a suspect’s house for an evening for a cup of coffee and a few questions and winds up getting a lot closer to the killer than she bargained for. Just as Mary is drugged and her lovely feet are about to become the final addition to the murderer’s supreme creation, Kendall unearths a clue that reveals the killer’s true identity. Kendall and the cops have to race to stop the killer before he can finish his human jigsaw puzzle. This all culminates with an unbelievable mind blowing genital crushing grand finale that must be seen to be believed!
I have seen this flick more times over the years than I could possibly count. I make everyone I know watch this movie. Whenever I talk to people about horror flicks I always have to mention “Pieces.” This flick is absolutely hilarious, and manages to get a little funnier every time I watch it. It plays out like a really gory and outrageous version of an Italian Giallo. The unseen, black gloved killer is pure Dario Argento. The soundtrack from Carlo Maria Cordio (aka CAM) is atmospheric and excellent, even if it borrows heavily from Goblin’s score for “Zombi.” “Pieces” was written by the terrible trio of director Juan Piquer Simon (Pod People, Slugs), producer Dick Randall (Slaughter High), and the infamous Joe D’Amato. (Antropophagus, Porno Holocaust) No wonder this slasher flick is so full of brutal violence and perverse sexual overtones.
There’s more sidesplitting dialog in this howler than any other I can think of. From the cross eyed girl with the HUGE tits that dreamily coos how “the most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed at the same time,” to Will-Ard saying “That the deal I made with your secretary. I ain’t getting paid by the hour,” to Christopher George telling his partner to “take some uppers, anything, just get me a lead!” The dubbing and dialog definitely make this work an unintentional comedy. It also works as a slasher flick. Big time. The graphic violence is very nasty and convincing. In the gruesome scene where the killer chainsaws into the abdomen of a girl in the shower a real pig carcass was used which makes the scene very effectively disgusting. From start to finish this flick takes no prisoners. This gory little gem definitely lives up to its’ immortal tag line - “You don’t have to go to Texas to have a chainsaw massacre!”
Several budget dvd companies have released “Pieces.” It can easily be found for cheap, so there is no excuse for not owning this 80’s splatterpiece. The fine folks at Grindhouse Releasing have promised an upcoming special edition dvd release. The sooner this happens the better. This is a must see.
“BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD!”
“The Mutilator” (1985)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0124014/
“The Mutilator” starts out innocently enough with tender music and soft focused shots of a wife lovingly preparing a birthday cake for her husband, Big Ed. Little Ed Jr decides to give his Daddy a big birthday surprise by cleaning Daddy’s beloved gun collection. Ed Jr goes from being meticulous to matricidal when he accidentally gives his poor Mommy a back full of buckshot. Big Ed comes home to find his son cowering over his dead wife and becomes unhinged. He drags his wife’s bloody carcass into the living room and begins pounding booze to steady his nerves. He even pours some into the mouth of his dead wife for grins.
Then we flash forward several years and find Ed Jr all grown up, nursing a Budweiser and sporting some impressive chest hair. Ed Jr was enjoying an evening out at a bar with his frigid and horrible girlfriend Pam when he receives an unexpected phone call from his long estranged Father. Big Ed wants Ed Jr to close up his condo on the beach for the winter. Big Ed encourages his son to “take the responsibility and face it like it man.” Ed Jr is none too pleased at the idea of having to go to the isolated condo for the mundane tasks of turning off the electricity and water, but his bossy and manipulative girlfriend decides it would be the perfect chance for four days of rest and relaxation on the beach. Their annoying friends Ralph (a beer obsessed law student who wears a sweater on his shoulders), Sue (Ralph’s pretty puritanical love interest), Mike (a big blonde doofus), and Linda (Mike’s horny girlfriend) invite themselves along, and the next morning the six pals all load into Ed’s car for a fall break getaway.
When the gang arrives at the condo they are shocked to find the front door wide open. The place is trashed, full of garbage and empty bottles of booze. Ed Jr assures his friends that there is nothing unusual about this because his father is a drunk. He does get a bit worried when he notices that his pop’s prized battle axe is missing. What Ed Jr and his friends don’t know is that Big Ed is lurking inside the garage. There he silently wrestles his inner demons and is confronted with his violent memories. As he clutches his axe, he closes his eyes and dreams of the different ways he should have killed his young son.
Mike and Linda wander around the garage and eventually stumble across Big Ed’s trophy room. This allows Mike to make a crack about “Goose – the moon god” and grab Linda’s ass. Then they go back to the condo and have dinner with the others. Then they go for a moonlit walk on the beach. For some reason we watch all of this. This stretch of the flick is torturous to put it nicely. Things finally pick up when doofus and the slut go skinny dipping in the condo’s pool. This allows Big Ed the opportunity to drown Linda. Mike doesn’t notice of course, and then spends the next several minutes walking around looking for his missing clothes and girlfriend. Being an especially big retard, Mike doesn’t suspect anything is wrong and instead has fun playing a game of hide and seek with himself. This all ends rather violently when Mike utters his immortal line “I’m…coming…to get you!” and Big Ed shows up to rip his chest apart with a boat propeller!
As all this is going on the other four kids are taking a stroll on the beach. They run into a friendly police officer who warns them to be careful on the beach at night. The cop should have taken his own advice, as shortly thereafter he has a large piece of wood slammed into his face and is swiftly beheaded by Big Ed! The the kids play an extended game of “Blind Man’s Bluff,” which is yet another retarded variation of hide and seek. (a recurring theme here) This pads out the film nicely, as the kids and the killer stalk after each other in the dark for a while. Then the game ends without incident and the scene whimpers out like a dying rat.
Then as the kids decide to settle in for the evening, Ralph goes out on one last mission to track down Mike and Linda. Instead of finding his friends he finds Big Ed and gets the business end of a pitchfork in his throat. Sue becomes worried when Ralph doesn’t return and convinces Ed Jr and Pam to join her in the search. They make the infinitely wise decision to split up, which gives Big Ed the chance to get up close and personal with sweet little Sue. He drags her into the garage and in one of the most notorious moments in slasher history proceeds to slowly insert an oversized fishing gaff into her crotch!
Ed Jr. and Pam eventually find Sue’s mutilated body and the bodies of their other missing friends, which Big Ed had displayed as gruesome trophies. As they attempt to escape the hellish condo with their lives intact they have an unbelievable final confrontation with Big Ed that results in massive loss of life and limb. Their horrifying vacation was no longer just a day at the beach, it had become a nightmare.
I’m a huge fan of this infamous slasher shocker from writer/producer/director Buddy Cooper that so proudly pushes the boundaries of good taste. This film starts off with a brutal scene of accidental matricide, and then degenerates into a series of increasingly perverse and lurid murders. There is no doubt that the single most effective and memorable element of the film is the graphic gore. The death scenes in “The Mutilator” are about as over the top as they come. The scenes with the juicy fishing gaff and boat propeller murders are the stuff of legend for gorehounds. In terms of splatter, “The Mutilator” ranks right up there with other brutal 80’s slasher flicks such as “Maniac” and “Nightmare.”
The pacing and acting on the other hand are abysmal. All of the actors are uniformly wooden and awful, with the exceptions of Jack Chatham as the silent but deadly killer and the one and only Morey Lampley – who steals the show as the rather dimwitted Mike. Morey’s performance in “The Mutilator” is not good by any means, but it is one of a kind to say the least. He comes across as a guy who never quite learned his multiplication tables, and the film never fully recovers after his quirky character is quickly dispatched.
No review of “The Mutilator” would be complete without mentioning the incredible toe tapping theme song - “Fall Break,” which was performed by Peter Yellen & The Breakers. The film was originally going to be titled “Fall Break,” and obviously Buddy decided not to bother replacing the theme song after changing the title to the more graphic sounding “The Mutilator.” Not every slasher flick features a theme song with lyrics like this:
“When the leaves of summer turn red and gold, and the football games bring a hint of the cold, time to get away. We’ll pack the car with escape in mind, forgettin’ our classes leavin’ books behind, time to get away. We’re goin’ on a fall break! (Fall break!) Running in the sand, feelin’ all right. And when you fall into my arms I’ll break into your heart…”
This is one of the all time greats. I’m eagerly awaiting the upcoming Code Red dvd release.
Check out this incredible foreign trailer for “The Mutilator!”
“Slaughter High” (1986)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0091969/
Simon Scuddamore (RIP) stars as Marty Rantzen, a nerdy Doddsville High chemistry major who is constantly tormented by a rowdy pack of mean spirited classmates. An elaborate series of April Fool’s Day pranks begins with Caroline “Maniac” Munro’s character Carol Manning teasing Marty’s cock and luring him into the girls shower. Marty’s wet dream becomes a nightmare when instead of a naked and soapy Carol he discovers the gang lying in wait for him instead.
Armed with flash photography, they poke the naked teen with a yardstick and yell “WHERE’S THE BEEF?” Then they give him a taste of 280 volts, which is enough to send him to the floor. The black janitor sees this happen and runs and tells the gym teacher that “they’re foolin’ about in the girl’s shower room!” The boys drag Marty into the toilet and proceed to give him the mother of all swirlies. Poor Marty might have drowned if not for the coach finally showing up to save his naked ass.
The coach punishes the culprits with a detention workout, and enjoys humiliating Marty a bit too much before letting him off the hook. The wisecracking and jester mask sporting leader of the gang – Skippy, vows revenge on Marty and hatches yet another demented scheme to pay him back. Two of the bullies pretend to apologize to Marty and offer him a laced joint as a mock peace offering. Marty accepts and goes off to the chem lab, where he eagerly fires it up. The tainted dirtweed makes Marty sick and he runs to the john to throw up. That gives Skippy the chance to trick the coach into letting him leave the detention, at that exact same moment mind you, so he can sneak into the lab and cook up an unstable chemical concoction on a red hot bunson burner. I should also mention the bottle of nitric acid lurking overhead on a flimsy wooden shelf. Marty returns to the lab after puking his guts up just in time for Skippy’s sabotage to take effect and a massive fire breaks out. Marty tries to stop the fire and gets a facefull of nitric acid for his efforts. Then the lab explodes.
Marty somehow survives the accident, but is badly burned and horribly disfigured. As he is being wheeled out by paramedics Carol attempts to apologize which gives Marty one last chance to grab at her – BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! Or a flashback if you will. Carol was having a nightmare. Since graduating from Doddsville High, Carol has grown up and become a successful b-movie actress. Her sleazy agent Manny (played by the infamous Dick Randall) tries to talk her into a career in porn. You can tell Manny is a producer of tremendous class because he has a “PIECES” poster on the wall of his office! Carol turns down Manny’s generous offer to star in skin flicks and decides to go to her crummy class reunion instead.
Incredibly enough the entire motley crew of high school friends that participated in the April Fool’s Day brutality years before agree to return to the school for a special April Fool’s reunion. Even more incredibly, the gang seems to find nothing particularly unusual about the fact that Doddsville High has been closed and deserted for five years, or that they were the only alumni invited to the reunion. Undeterred, the old friends decide to break into the abandoned school for a night of wacky fun. Then things get even more bizarre when they discover that a well stocked party has been prepared in one of the classrooms. Someone even took the time to set up their old lockers inside the classroom. After some joking around for old times sake Skippy takes credit for the evening’s festivities. Then he does some of Carol’s “really good” cocaine and nods out.
Things get interesting when Marty (now sporting Skippy’s old jester mask) makes his presence known in the halls and nails the former black janitor turned black caretaker to a door. Then the same guy who gave Marty the laced joint chugs a beer can full of acid which causes his intestines to swell until they burst through his abdomen, causing a mighty explosion that sprays blood onto the face of the cross eyed asian chick! She wanders off and goes upstairs to take a bath (!) and slips into a tub full of acid. Marty’s former tormentors are then forced to hide out in the school or attempt to flee into the night. Marty majored in cutting his classmates, and one by one they are impaled, disemboweled with a riding lawn mower, electrocuted during sex, drowned in sewage, and hung. This unbelievable carnage leaves Carol alone to run around the halls of horror for a good long time before the eye popping twist ending is brought in to throw everything out the window again. APRIL FOOL’S!
“Slaughter High” was produced by the dreaded duo of Steve Minasian and Dick Randall, who also brought us slasher classics like “Pieces” and “Don’t Open Til Christmas.” The film was originally going to be titled “April Fool’s Day,” but Paramount beat them to the punch. Paramount should have beat them with even more punches, since “Slaughter High” featured a recycled score from “Friday The 13th” alumni Harry Manfredini. Most of the “original” score consists of eight synth notes that are maddeningly repeated over and over again. It is impossible to watch this flick without getting that tune stuck in your head. “Slaughter High” is sometimes accused of being a generic, or even inferior 80’s slasher flick, but the nasty gore effects make it stand out in a big way. The unrated version of this flick features some very juicy splatter.
Tounges are firmly in cheek for most of the proceedings, and fans of unintentional humor will get a kick out of the lame attempts to hide the actors’ thick British accents. I get a big kick out of Dick Randall’s cameo as the sleazy producer. Simon Scuddamore does a great job as Marty, and makes a very sympathetic lead. It’s a shame that he committed suicide shorty after starring in this picture. I would have liked to have seen him in other things. Caroline Munro looks beautiful here, but her makeup and wardrobe is full on 80’s hideousness. Some people have complained about the twist ending, but I think it makes sense within the context of the film and it adds a lot of fun to any repeat viewings. It also provides the filmmakers with an opportunity to throw in yet another splatter murder. No complaints here. This is a fucking classic.
Enjoy the “Slaughter High” exploding abdomen scene!
KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!
Read All of “Brain Hammer’s Picks From the Crypt!”
