Paul W.S. Anderson has screwed up horror films so much that we are just bored with RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION. Thankfully for us, Michael Bay has decided to slip into his very capable shoes.

Bay’s low budget company, Platinum Dunes, will be behind the remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH. These are the same people that made the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and THE HITCHER remakes. The screenwriters are Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, the guys behind FREDDY VS. JASON.

If you are not frightened enough by this news, let me elaborate. You should remember that Jason Voorhees was not the killer in the original. He makes a brief appearance at the end. And while he does appear in Part 2, he doesn’t actually wear the mask until Part 3. But the genius that is Michael Bay’s brain has decided to rewrite history by making mask-wearing Jason the killer from the very beginning and removing the Mother-Son plotline completely.

Uhh…this doesn’t make any sense. But what does make sense is this incredible line up of other horror remakes Bay has planned. Here are his pitches:

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET is a remake of the original only Freddy doesn’t have a burned face from angry parents setting him on fire. Title role to be played by Lance Bass. Freddy’s glove will be replaced with a microphone. Set to be a Broadway musical if a success.

GREMLINS is a remake of the original only instead of Gremlins, it will feature a Unicorn that multiplies when hit with water. It will be animated and given a G rating.

THE HOWLING is a remake of the original only it will not have werewolves. Screenplay written by Paul Haggis and features no less than 10 actors vying for an Oscar in their portrayal of angry racists.

HELLRAISER is a remake of the original only with hardcore porn added in. Paul Verhoeven plans to direct and Elizabeth Berkeley is set to star. Co-stars Gina Gershon sporting awful Lee Press-on Nails and a Black woman who gets raped for no reason.

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[Editor's Note: Lube up your buttholes and get a second job, because Michael Bay wants us, to pay him to rape us, and I am sure we will all oblige!]