Unlike a lot of people I won’t be talking shit about “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” because I haven’t seen it yet. It seems like a lot of horror fans have the knives out for this one so to speak. I’d rather talk some shit about the first eight Halloween flicks instead, and offer some insight as to why I think the franchise has no place to go but UP.
Obviously, we begin with John Carpenter’s 1978 classic “Halloween.” Like a lot of people, I consider “Halloween” to be one of the very best horror films of all time. Carpenter’s genius is easy to see and hear with this one. I’ll actually go a step further and say I that consider “Halloween” to be a perfect film. It set a standard for all slasher flicks to follow. Even though I prefer “Friday The 13th,” I have to admit that “Halloween” is the undisputed king of slasher films.
Next came Rick Rosenthal’s 1981 sequel “Halloween II,” which is a very worthy follow up to Carpenter’s original in my opinion. It ranks right up there with some of the very best 80’s slasher flicks. Continuing the action from the night HE came home was a brilliant idea. Then we enter the always conveniently deserted hospital and the flick goes downhill in a big way. The gory murders that John Carpenter inserted into the mix save the second half of the movie from tedium. The explosive and rather definitive ending of the film really should have ended this series once and for all.
Then comes the black sheep of the “Halloween” family - “Halloween III: Season Of The Witch.” Everyone talks shit about the 1982 non-Michael Myers entry in the series, but I’m one of those wacky bastards that would dare to call himself a proud fan. I love “Halloween III!” What’s not to love about watching Tom Atkins pounding Miller High Life and tender young ass alike? How could any fan of the 80’s not appreciate a flick where “the old man” from “Robocop” plays an evil mask maker that wants to kill all the little kiddies of the world on Halloween with the diabolical power of STONEHENGE?!? The mind boggles when thinking about how fucked up this flick is. Another big reason I love this flick so much is because it was the last one that Carpenter, Debra Hill, and director Tommy Lee Wallace all participated in. Having all of them on board makes this one feel like a REAL Halloween movie.
Watch the magic pumpkin in action – WATCH!
It’s all downhill from here folks. 1988 brought us “Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers,” a rather lame sequel that somehow brings both Dr. Loomis & Michael Myers back from the fiery end of Part II with just a few scars. Michael apparently has magical regenerating eyeballs. He also regains that superhuman strength he only briefly displayed in the first Halloween. His newfound ability to crush skulls with his thumbs is impressive. This is actually a decent slasher flick, and it’s always nice to have Donald Pleasence chewing up the scenery. Overall, this flick doesn’t do much for me though.
Parts 5 & 6 melt together for me into a giant grey blob that doesn’t really have any defining characteristics. Somewhere along the way the old Myers’ house transformed into a giant cobweb filled gothic mansion, a mysterious man in black wandered around not adding anything to the plot, Danielle Harris whined and whimperd like a retard for about three hours, and it turned out that Micheal Myers is really the killer creation of a crazed cult of druids. Whatever. I think these flicks suck and are inane. I honestly don’t see the attraction of these two. I’ve also seen the infamous and widely bootlegged “director’s cut” of part 6 and it sucked too. These flicks are brain dead, but not in a fun way like “Season Of The Witch” was.
The stupidly titled “Halloween H20” was next. With a title like that how could you expect this movie not to be retarded? Think about it – Halloween Water. It sounds scary yet refreshing. A lot of fans, including Debra Hill praised this film as the only respectable follow up to the original. I just don’t see it. This one was a TURD in my opinion. The magic of Michael Myers continues as he drives from Illinois to California overnight. When he gets there LL Cool J is waiting. (in LL’s defense, he had already told the world that he was goin’ back to Cali several years before) Micheal Myers cannot get the best of LL Cool J, and Jamie Lee Curtis decapitates him. Hooray! Did I mention the wacky roller blading kids in the beginning? Yeah, this one sucked.
Unfortunately I have to mention the 2002 piece of shit “Halloween: Resurrection,” which is undoubtedly one of the worst flicks I ever paid to see on opening night! Fuck, where to begin with this one? I’ll attempt a summary. The real Michael Myers was never really dead, so he goes to an insane asylum and KILLS JAMIE LEE CURTIS!!! What the fuck?!? Should that not end the entire fucking series? Wasn’t that the point of everything in the first place? So yeah, Mikey finally kills his sister and then goes back home. Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are filming a reality show in the old Myers mansion and kids dressed up like “Pulp Fiction” are watching via the internet. Micheal tries to kill Busta Rhymes but Busta kicks his ass and calls him a BITCH! Yes indeed, I can understand why the die hard Michael Myers fans must love this movie. That must have been the moment they were all waiting for all these years.
I think the franchise has no place to go but up. How in the hell could Rob Zombie’s Halloween be any worse than the shit I just described? But don’t take my word for it. Go see it for yourself when it opens on Friday and formulate your own expert opinion.
SLASHER FANS SUPPORT THE GENRE AND KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!
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