This weekend I purchased Dolph Lundgren’s I Come in Peace, Splatter University, and of course, Death Spa, on VHS. While watching Death Spa I got inspired to have a smack down between it and the wonderful slasher film Killer Workout. I would say I was going to do more articles like this one, but that would be a flat out lie. So here is a head to head battle for the ages (and don’t get used to it)…
Cover: Killer Workout is good, well the copy I have is anyway, the cracked mirror with the smeared blood is a nice touch, but Death Spa is just a classic horror movie cover from the 80’s and 90’s. A painted masterpiece, it features a big breasted woman with a skull for a face, and just to make sure you get more of a feeling of what you’re about to get yourself in to, there is an extra added muscle-bound male encased in flames while working out in the back.
Winner: Death Spa
Tagline: If there is one thing that Horror movies of the past did right it’s the tagline! Death Spa – “You’ll Sweat Blood” and “For a Workout in Hell!” are average at best and Killer Workout’s “Something Very Unhealthy is Happening at Rhonda’s Health Club” is a tad bit long, but the “WARNING: This Workout’s a Real Killer” is the perfect tagline giving Workout the win!
Winner: Killer Workout
Workout Montages: This is a no contest as Killer Workout’s workout montages kick the ass of Death Spa’s. It is fun watching the gay black guy in yellow leg warmers lead the aerobics class in Death Spa, but the montages are cut short and do not feature the grade A camera work that Killer Workout does. Workout features one of the greatest and original soundtracks ever put to film. The workout montages in this film are so great they could even give Rocky a run for its money. If you don’t walk away with one of the many great songs like “Woman on Fire” or “Only You Tonight” featured in Workout stuck in your head, you may be deaf.
Winner: Killer Workout
Nudity/Chicks: Killer Workout has a lot of chicks in spandex but I am not sure if hot is the word you would use to describe them. Death Spa definitely features a lot better nudity, the kind you want to see, and it has Chelsea Field who played Teela in Masters of the Universe.
Winner: Death Spa
Plot: You’ve got to be kidding me! All right let me think. Killer Workout is about Rhonda’s Health Club where women are getting killed off one-by-one. Death Spa is about a Health Club run by a computer where women are getting killed one-by-one. Workout’s basically goes like this.
- Workout Montage
- Rhonda gets mad
- Someone gets naked
- Someone gets killed
- Repeat
Winner: Killer Workout (But it was a hard pick because a killer robot spa is hard to beat)
Kills/Killer: I don’t want to give anything away so I won’t talk about who’s doing the killings, so lets examine the murder weapons. The killer in Workout uses an oversized safety pin, I shit you not, and as I mentioned above the entire spa in Death Spa is the murder weapon. From deadly gas to flying shower tiles, this Death Spa is like a deadlier Danger Room from X-Men, but unfortunately for the clients of this health club they don’t have super powers to protect them. The members of Death Spa are melted, gassed, ripped in two, I have to give this one to the killer Spa.
Winner: Death Spa
Shit it’s a tie, we can’t have that, I decided as a tiebreaker I would pick the movie that Siskel and Ebert would have picked. Since Ebert likes black chicks and big boobs I figured he would pick Killer Workout! So there you have it, the two movies that give you the perfect excuse to skip that trip to the gym. both are great but Killer Workout is the BEST!
