I hate Matthew Leutwyler. Why? Because that motherfucker ripped me off, he owes me (and a lot of other people) twenty bucks cash money…plus tax. After reading a (now-suspiciously) raving review of his film “Dead and Breakfast” in an issue of Rue-Morgue (that also had a full page add for the film, hmmm) I went out and picked it up. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. The time I left a Tijuana bar shitfaced with a hooker showcasing an Adams apple bigger than mine led to a night full of disappointment. But at least the hooker still had two out of the three holes I was looking to pay for the use of. “Dead and Breakfast” didn’t have anything to offer me other than fond memories of the films it blatantly rapes during its eighty-eight minute run time.
So when I was offered the chance to catch a screening of his latest film “Unearthed”, I answered with a thunderous “Fuck No!” But it was free, my friends wanted to see it and I was going to be at the preceding film, so I figured I stick around. Before going to see the flick I went to its official website hoping to find a trailer for it, instead all I found were the words “coming soon.” After I did a little hunting around I found a deceptively decent trailer, but the fact that it wasn’t on the film’s website or even MySpace page quickly raised a red flag.
“Unearthed” takes place in the lonely deserts of New Mexico where Annie (Emmanuelle Vaugier) a small town sheriff is dealing with a bunch of boring emotional trauma and is about to be fired. Then a creature shows up and starts eating everyone and Annie has to get through her contrived emotional damage to try and save the town and this piece of shit movie. (psst…she doesn’t)
I’ll be honest with you folks, I slept through most of this dreck. Only waking up every ten minutes or so to ask one of the people beside me if the creature had finally shown up or which stereotypical character had been killed and in what unsatisfying way. My caffeinated friends assured me that I was far better off than they, for at least I could have dreamt of a good movie. In fact when they awoke me towards the end of the film to show me the creature that was wrecking all the havoc I realized that I recognized the little twerp.
When I was a kid my family moved to an all monster town outside of Boise Idaho and I went to school with the creature from “Unearthed.” He was always trying to run around scarring people, which was fairly common in an all monster town, but sadly the kid just couldn’t pull it off. He was usually getting pushed around by all the bigger monsters, most of the time I saw him getting beaten up behind the portables by the graboids from “Tremors.” It was kind of sad, I would have helped out, but to tell you the truth I ran with a different crowd and I didn’t want to get in the middle of it. Ever since the incident with The Mole Kids, us zombies rarely interfered in underground business, we crawled out of our graves for a reason. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this a political rant about above ground and below ground monsters.
End result, what I saw of “Unearthed” sucked hard. Much like Leutwyler’s prior film it borrows too much from other genre films without ever bothering to find a voice of its own. What didn’t see of the film was equally trashed by my friends and the people who walked out consistently throughout the screening. Once the group I was with reunited on the streets outside everyone revealed that they too wanted to leave or at least face any wall not showing “Unearthed.” But I guess I just looked to peaceful too wake up.
Read all of Tyler Shainline’s articles and reviews in his Archives
