Looking back I watched a LOT of fucked up horror flicks at what was arguably an inappropriately young age. (around 8 -10 years old) My parents would often rent horror movies or watch them on cable and I was almost always allowed to watch with them. The only time I wasn’t allowed to watch was when any nudity or sex was happening. My Mother would command me to cover my eyes whenever a nubile young camper would gamely expose her tits, and would only tell me it was ok to look when the same girl was about to be decapitated with a shovel! For this week’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPTS I’m proud to present seven flicks that undoubtedly warped my mind. These are the flicks that made Brain Hammer the man he is today.

“Salem’s Lot” (1979)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0079844/

I had many nightmares about vampires floating around outside of my bedroom windows after seeing this super scary flick on TV as a wee Brain Hammer. This film instilled in me a fear of people lurking outside my windows that still occasionally pops up to this day. I consider this to be my very favorite Stephen King adaptation, and the greatest made for TV movie of all time (”Helter Skelter” (1976) comes in a close second).

Tobe Hooper deserves a lot of credit for directing such a creepy film within the tame constraints of 70’s made for TV horror. Reggie Nalder does a great job as the vampire Barlow, and the “Nosferatu” inspired makeup he sports is fantastic. There are also lots of familiar faces for genre fans to enjoy seeing including Fred Willard, Geoffrey (The Devil’s Rejects) Lewis, Lew Ayres, and the eternally drunken and shiftless Elisha Cook Jr. I love this flick and think all people should see it.

“Maniac” (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0081114/

I recall having nightmares about a guy jumping up onto the hood of my parents’ car and shooting us after watching Bill Lustig’s masterpiece of sleazy splatter as an impressionable youth. This hardcore slasher flick is one of my all time favorites. The late great Joe Spinell turns in a one of a kind performance as the demented serial killer Frank Zito. Frank prowls the streets of New York City at night looking for lovely women to scalp and slaughter. Tom Savini’s gore effects in this flick are probably the sickest stuff he’s ever done, which is really saying something. The scalpings, skewerings, and shotgun shenanigans vividly displayed in this flick caused many stomachs to turn when this flick was first released. Even Stephen King admitted to being disgusted by it! This infamous and controversial flick set a new standard for other 80’s slashers to follow in terms of grit and gore. For slasher fans, this is an essential purchase.

Check out the awesome trailer for “Maniac”:

“The Last House On The Left” (1972)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0068833/

I already shared my thoughts on this classic genre flick back in PFTC Vol. 7, but I have to share another reason why “Last House” is so special to me. I remember watching this flick as a little kid with only my Mother for company one night while my Father was off at deer camp. We both got scared shitless! The next morning my Mother told me she could hear that I was calling out in my sleep and that I must have been having nightmares. The only thing I can remember dreaming about was the bizarre image of Junior Stillo puking into the Collingwood’s toilet while wearing Mari’s peace sign necklace. This was MANY years ago, but I can still clearly remember dreaming about it!

“When A Stranger Calls” (1979)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0080130/

I actually watched this flick as a little kid with a babysitter! Afterward I became obsessed with the idea of someone hiding in the attic of my parents’ home, waiting to kill me. I’m a big fan of this superior thriller which was expertly directed by Fred Walton, who later went on to direct another genre favorite - “April Fools Day” (1986). A plot device which was stolen entirely from Bob Clark’s “Black Christmas” is used here to chilling perfection. A young babysitter, played by the freaky looking and frizzy haired Carole Kane, is tormented by an anonymous caller who repeatedly asks “Have you checked the children?” You can probably guess where the calls are coming from. No matter how predictable the setup may have become over the years, it works. The first twenty minutes or so of this film are real nail biting stuff. It goes downhill from there as we spend a lot of time with the killer turned derelict as he pounds booze and tries to pick up haggard bar skanks while the chubby detective turned private investigator tries to track him down. A bit slow moving in places, but very well made and certainly worth seeing. This flick was followed up with a surprisingly good made for TV sequel “When A Stranger Calls Back,” and a fucking WRETCHED remake of the same title.

“Alien” (1979)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0078748/

Perhaps in space no one can hear you scream, but my parents’ living room was a different story. This flick was one of the first flicks my parents ever rented, on laser disc no less (pre-beta max!). The image of the alien reaching out for Tom Skerritt was burned into my brain and made me afraid of the dark for weeks afterwards. The amount of creative talent that went into this classic film is unbelievable. Consider the combination of Ridley Scott, H.R. Giger, and Dan O’ Bannon! This was a once in a lifetime horror happening! This is also an incredibly influential film that inspired a slew of outer space imitators. I much prefer this flick to any of the sequels that followed. Despite the superior amounts of firepower and screeching alien carnage displayed in the various sequels (especially “Aliens”) I think they all fall way short of the original in terms of claustrophobic atmosphere and jump out of your seat scares. A chest burstin’, acid bleedin’ good time!

“I Spit On Your Grave” (1978)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0077713/

This flick didn’t scare me as a youngster or give me nightmares, but I later got into deep trouble for telling my babysitter to “suck it” after watching it! Thinking back I wish she had, even though I was too young to get hard anyway! Yes indeed folks, my fucking BABYSITTER rented “I Spit On Your Grave” and brought it over to the Hammer household for an evening of fun. You can’t make stuff like that up.

Since then this flick has followed me around over the years. In high school my cousin’s especially creepy next door neighbor had it on vhs and we used to watch it in his bedroom while getting high. Years later I remember walking through my local shopping mall and seeing a large cardboard display of “I Spit On Your Grave” full of Anchor Bay’s special collectors edition vhs – right in the middle of FYE! Unbelievable. This infamous rape & revenge flick seems to be a “love it or hate it” sort of thing, but I can honestly say I don’t think enough about it to have a strong opinion one way or the other. For what it is, I think it’s well made. I own the Elite Millennium Edition dvd but rarely get the urge to watch it. Perhaps if I was still a swinging single I would break this out more often. This is a great first date flick.

“Bloodsucking Freaks” (1976)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0077247/

I saved the best (or worst, depending on your point of view) for last. I don’t remember exactly how old I was when my Father brought this flick home from the video store for me to watch, but I had to have been less than 10 years old! My parents actually watched it with me, complaining the whole time about the nudity and finally turned it off during the legendary teeth-pulling/brain-sucking sequence. That’s like 40 minutes in! I witnessed more than enough naked chicks and S&M themed torture in those 40 minutes to make a lasting impression. This flick, perhaps more than any other, truly warped my mind!

Since that awkward experience as a youth, I’ve watched this one more times than I could count. I consider “Bloodsucking Freaks” to be a perfect film. The only thing that could possibly make it any better would be another scene featuring naked women being tortured. Fuck Butch & Sundance. Fuck Batman & Robin. Fuck Tango & Cash. The on screen duo of Sardu & Ralphus will surely go down in the annals of cinema history as the greatest of all time. The sadly departed Louie De Jesus displays the same trademark charm and wit he would later bring to his classic roles in “The Anal Dwarf” and “Return Of The Jedi,” while the late great Seamus O’Brien lights up the screen with a combination of grace, humor, and homosexual necrophilia that hacks like Brad Pitt could only dream of one day obtaining. People who can’t appreciate the sheer genius on display here should take a cue from the caged sexiods and eat a dick sandwich.

Enjoy the classic “cymbal torture scene” from “Bloodsucking Freaks!”

That’s all for for now! KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

Read All of “Brain Hammer’s Picks From the Crypt!”