In keeping with “1408’s” theme of a numerical title, I thought we would play the numbers game real fast. Not counting sequels, short films or anthology television shows, “1408″ is the 45th film to be based of a Stephen King story since “Carrie” was released back in 1976. 45 films over a 30 year period has yield only 15 decent Stephen King films with the top 3 of his adaptations oddly being his least horrific; “The Shining”, “The Shawshank Redemption” and “Misery.” Unfortunately for Mr. King (and the audience) “1408″ does not cause the “good” King films to grow to 16. Instead it joins the likes of “The Langoliers”, “The Dark Half”, “The Mangler”, “Dolores Claiborne” and 25 other shitty flicks that attempt to ride the Stephen King cash cow.
“1408″ centers around Mike Enslin (John Cusack) a failed novelist turned haunted hotel reviewer constantly in search of an actual haunting. Returning home to Los Angeles after a failed personal appearance at a Barnes and Noble, Mike finds a postcard featuring The Albatross hotel in New York City. The postcard contains no return address just a simple eerie handwritten note “Don’t go in room 1408.” I wish I had received a similar postcard stating, “Don’t go see 1408.”
For those that have seen the widely promoted and deceptively good trailer for “1408″ you’re well aware that Enslin does go to New York and forces his way into a reservation for the dreaded room. What viewers of the trailer might not be aware of is that as soon as he enters the room the entire film grinds to a halt. All the suspense that was used to build a fine amount of tension outside the walls of 1408 is completely destroyed by the unskilled hand of director Mikael Hafstrom. Every attempt to scare the audience is done with overpowering music cues and things jumping out from the corners of the screen. In other words, methods that grew tiresome over 30 years ago. But to be fair, when a script has more three or more names attached to it, that’s usually a warning sign of a film with no real substance, heart or direction. A fact proven by the likes of “1408″ adapters Matt Greenberg, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski; the latter two are the writing duo best know for infecting theaters with all 3 “Problem Child” films. Yeah…there were three of them. And the talentless assholes that craped out this toilet paper of a script for “1408″ are the skidmarks responsible.
“1408″ is one of those flicks that shouldn’t even exist. It doesn’t bring anything new to the medium and fails to entertain the audience at every turn. I’m a big John Cusack fan but even his likeable demeanor and “everyman” accessibility couldn’t save this farce of a film. Especially when he’s playing a character as lame as Mike Enslin, a surfing horror writer, that’s an ex-smoker but always keeps a weathered cigarette behind his ear, just in case. Cusack’s inability to make Enslin likeable is a damn shame considering the basis for “1408″ is that you’re locked in a room with him alone for an hour. Although it’s not necessarily Cusack’s fault; he did what he could with the shoddy material he was asked to deliver. Material that never delves deeply into a single solitary aspect of the numerous plot lines underdeveloped by it’s confused script. None of the 50 plus murders that occurred in the room are ever discussed in detail and the fact that his daughter is dead isn’t even mentioned until she shows up towards the end of the film. Most egregious of all, the history of the room is never examined and the reason for its evil is summed up by the fact that it exists on the 13th floor and if you add 1+4+0+8 it equals 13. For the record the number 13 stopped being spooky the same time all those rockabilly losers started getting them tattooed on their forearms while their pregnant sisters were applying copious amounts of pomade to their thinning pompadours.
“1408″ is about as boring and disappointing in its execution as Roman Polanski’s notoriously bad “The Ninth Gate.” The similarities between the two films are surprising. Both films are based off of stories written by accomplished and respected authors, both deal with the world of books and both elicited raucous laughter at their silly endings from an otherwise respectful audience. The highlight of the many laughable scenes is when a miniature Sam Jackson appears inside of Enslin’s mini-fridge…no really! Outside of an effective scene with Cusack and a doppelganger in a widow across the street, every other decent moment was blown by the trailer; in fact…just watch that instead. In the end “1408″ is a film that’s barely above the quality of King work usually subjugated to empire of basic cable. In fact, the film should have been trimmed by about 36 minutes and included in the recent Stephen King anthology mini-series, “Nightmares and Dreamscapes” instead of clogging up one of the screens in the local multiplex.
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