“Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans?”
-George Carlin
I hate people.
I like animals.
So it’s natural that I would like a movie where people get EATEN by animals.
Much like the zombie film, you have to fuck up HORRIBLY for me not to like a Creature Feature. I revere JAWS as a classic, love the shit out of ANACONDA, and have some very fond memories of THE RELIC and EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS. In addition, I thought that Neil Marshall’s THE DESCENT was not only the best horror film of 2006, but the best film of 2006… PERIOD.
So now we have the predictable and cheesy and fun-in-spite-of-all-that PRIMEVAL, which billed itself as a Serial Killer film earlier this year without ONCE mentioning that the killer is actually a twenty-foot long Crocodile. While I understand that some people would be upset by the bait-and-switch to get asses in seats, to me personally that would be like winning the lottery to find that I ALSO got a scantily clad Alyson Hannigan to go along with my millions.
Whose fictional God did I blow in my sleep to get so damn LUCKY?
PRIMEVAL is actually kinda-sorta based on a true story. Well, the story’s as fake as Dina Lohan’s parenting skills, but the Croc? He’s real. He has been named Gustave by the locals in his home along the Ruzizi River in the African nation of Burundi. To date, Gustav has claimed a confirmed 110 people (far from the 300 claimed in the film’s press materials) and is estimated to be sixty years of age, though the citizens of Burundi claim he is well over a hundred (THANKS, WIKIPEDIA!).
The story goes that a reporter who screwed the pooch on a story is sent by his boss to Burundi, along with a cameraman, his producer and a Steve Irwin clone to track the elusive Gustave and even TRAP the damn thing. Needless to say, things do not go according to plan.
PRIMEVAL stars… Uhh… Oh, who gives a shit? The dude from PRISON BREAK’s in it. So’s Orlando Jones, as well as Disposable Swimsuit Model #14,039. Although in my mind she pales considerably when compared to Disposable Swimsuit Model #1,244, but I digress.
I do that a lot.
Anyway, I must also mention that the obligatory Robert Shaw/Jon Voight role will be filled by Juergen Prochnow for today’s proceedings. With a tumultuous five year stretch that has included Broken Lizard’s BEERFEST and Uwe Boll’s HOUSE OF THE DEAD, he has the market cornered on playing, well, craggy German dudes. But he’s up there with Walken for getting a cheap pop from a movie going audience. Sure enough, every time he appears in a movie we perk up and say “Holy shit, it’s Juergen Prochnow!” And even the worst movies get a little better. I gave HOUSE OF THE DEAD half a star for a reason.
Director Michael Katelman makes a very good looking movie. He, along with DP Edward J. Pei imbues the plains of his South African location with sweaty, lurking menace. Actually making a location LOOK like a location is harder to do than you’d think. I must call your attention to 2001’s abysmal LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER, where a seeming abundance of resources made the ancient city of Angkor Thom in Cambodia look like a backyard in Oregon.
As for Gustave himself, he isn’t the most well executed CGI creature we’ve seen as of late. Of course I pity any ambitious special effects dude trying to top Peter Jackson’s King Kong. But that’s the thing, though. Even though, were this the old days Gustav would have strings showing, there are some times when cheesy effects actually work in a movie’s favor. Think about it: If an effect looks too real sometimes, you’re wondering how much the damn thing cost and NOT how it fits in with the story and the characters. Sure there are times when you want to immerse yourself in a film and have everything look as real as possible. But there are times when you just want that moviegoing experience, fully aware of the margins of the screen you’re viewing it on. It adds to charm, I think.
And that buffer between audience and material does indeed come in handy. There have been reviews claiming that, because PRIMEVAL deals with the political strife between Hutus and Tutsis in Burundi, the film is unfairly exploitative, thus making a bad situation worse. I disagree, because it would have been wholly insensitive to make a movie in Burundi where everyone had an iPod and smiled all the damn time. It’s like making a movie in Ireland where everyone is sober and happy.
No, I don’t think it’s exploitative. I think BLOOD DIAMOND’s worse because it’s an action movie that’s convinced its changing the world. The strife in this Central African country isn’t the subject of PRIMEVAL. The subject is the giant fucking Crocodile who pops peoples’ heads betwixt his jaws like they were grapes.
Of course some would argue that the movie should not have been made.
AND MISS THE GIANT CROCODILE? Fuck that, man.
And besides, whatever beefs the Hutu and Tutsi characters have with each other, whatever weapons and political ideologies they are armed with, they are all still prey to Gustave. Dogma and money and Might vs. Right may get you elected or put at the top of your Poli-Sci class, but none of it is a match for Mother Nature on the rag.
Which may be the point, when you think about it…
3 out of 4
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