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Directed by Jose Z. Cassella
Review by Dr. Royce Clemens
I’ve noted in my reviews before that I think there is an all-encompassing Horror Critic Cosa Nostra at work on the internet. They will give movies, whose DVDs are not even fit to be used as coasters, the time of day with good reviews under the guise of “supporting horror.” Little do they know that “supporting horror” means pointing people towards GOOD horror movies and not every single damn one that comes out, no matter of quality. You can’t take a shit on an independent straight-to-video horror film nowadays. It’s just not done. If it is even attempted, Johnny Butane will come to your house and knee-cap you.
That, or everyone is really eager to get a quote on the back of a DVD case.
And now I am presented with DELIVERY, a little four thousand dollar picture that is without a doubt the worst and most torturous film I’ve seen here during my tenure at horroryearbook.
Yes… Even worse than THE REAPING.
So I was sweating, fearing the wicked mafia retribution of a Dread Central writer, when I looked at the side of the DVD the producers sent me. And lo, I was greeted by the ever familiar logo of Warner Brothers Home Video. So “The Man” picked this up and put it out. I guess I’m safe for now.
So yeah… Fuck this movie.
DELIVERY stars Matt Nelson as Montgomery Goth, a pizza delivery man who gets shit on by his customers, his co-workers and his boss time and time again until his past demons and stress level catches up with him and he goes on a killing spree.
Oh, and he finds love with Bibi (Tara Cardinal).
And I wish I could go more into the plot, but dammit, that’s all there IS! We get an hour of “character development,” which basically consists of poorly acted stock characters shooting unfunny lines, pointing out that Goth is overweight followed by a half hour of some of the most amateurish gore I’ve seen in a movie. I didn’t know you could bleed to death without really having a wound for the blood to come out of. You know it says something that the four thousand dollar DELIVERY can’t top STUPID TEENAGERS MUST DIE! in the quality of its gore. And THAT movie was made with a buck-fifty and a half eaten roll of Certs. Sometimes cutaways and inventive camera placement can be a GOOD thing.
DELIVERY is also sloppily paced. I can take an hour of no action or gore in a horror movie as long as something, y’know, HAPPENS! But no, it’s a bad day at work that repeats three or four times and the cycle always ends with a good looking dream sequence (I gave it half a star for a reason). It’s almost as if writer-director Jose Z. Cassella took on the actual mentality of a pizza delivery company. A backstory laden and frenetically edited dream EVERY TEN FUCKING MUNUTES or Polychrome Pictures and Warner Home Video will refund your rental fee.
The acting is just… Priceless. Not a good performance to be found. And I know, because I actually stopped the movie at the forty-five minute mark, started the damn thing over again and LOOKED for one. Everyone from Monty’s boss, to his girlfriend, to the drag queen who hires him to paint his house, to the perpetually topless sorority sisters who order pizza everyday for no reason, to Monty himself can’t act their way out of a wet paper bag.
Nelson himself is the most grating because he seems to be channeling the Ethan Suplee character from MALLRATS. Nondescript and when he complains he sounds like a whiny chode. He just stands there and doesn’t even come to life when he goes insane. And we have to spend ninety minutes with him. And this View Askewniverse association is just made worse by a blaring and shallow CLERKS reference just five minutes in when out put-upon pizza man says—And you all know the words…
“I’m not even supposed to be here today.”
Oh, fuck me runnin’.
No doubt someone reading this will privately take me to task for giving this little movie such a beating. It doesn’t make someone feel good to shit on something so tiny that succeeded. But I’ve seen cheaper, and by God I’ve seen infinitely better. There is no excuse for DELIVERY.
Tell me when the psycho pizza guy gets to see the goddamn sailboat.
½* out of 4
Read all of Dr. Royce Clemens reviews in his Archives.
