I woke up this morning so excited; I was able to get out of bed with much less effort than it normally takes me. For today, Captivity hits theaters at last! So, I head out to the nearest theater, which is unfortunate 45 miles away. Even more unfortunate is that my car breaks down after about 30. Being stuck on a highway surrounded by woods, I figure I may as well continue my journey since I’m closer to my destination than my origin. After walking 15 miles under the searing Florida sun I eventually reach the multiplex cinema, hallajuluya!
I tell ya, air conditioning never felt so good.
I approach the ticket stand and ask for 1 for Captivity but the pimpley-faced kid just stares at me. “You know, the new Elisha Cuthbert movie” I say. Silence lingers a bit before he eventually replies, “Oh that isn’t out yet. It got pushed back by Communist Christians”. My heart dropped.
Too exhausted to walk home, I then had no choice but to hitchhike. It didn’t take long for some guy to pick my up either. However, as soon as I get into his truck, he speeds off through the parking lot and pulls around back. He then raped me at gunpoint. When he was done, he pistol-whipped me and I fell unconscious.
I was awoken by pavement grating my flesh off, after apparently being pushed out of his moving truck. I crawl, bloody and broken until I find a strip mall. I go into the Radio Shack and ask to use their bathroom to clean up. They refuse to let me and tell me to leave. So I tell them to fuck off and I’m typing this on a floor model comp of theirs while the police are coming to kick me out.
Okay, well none of that is actually true. It could have happened though! And it would all be the fault of the bad people who’ve crucified this film! Thanks a lot assholes, I hope you’re happy! If I hadn’t been keeping tabs on this film and known it was pushed back a month, I’d have been dehydrated, exhausted, raped, shredded and be sitting in jail right now!
READ THE REAL CAPTIVITY REVIEW HERE!
Captivity: A Second Opinion
More Elizabeth Cuthbert pictures here!
Chris Cooper
