Boobs, blood and Breasts. If those appeal to you then you’ve probably already seen Piranha 3D. Twice. Even if they don’t appeal to you, you’d still do well to watch Piranha as it takes one of the worst summer movie seasons of the new century and bites it on the ass…along with every other place you can think of. It’s one of the few movies actually worth the price of 3D that doesn’t involve talking toys and you’ve never had as much fun watching so many people die en masse.

As the summer winds down you might as well end it on a gory, blood-splattered note and exit with a smile on your face. Don’t worry about everyone that died horrifically over the 90 minute running time. Just be grateful you had a good time, as you and your fellow theatergoers shared the collective bonding experience of watching 2 piranhas fight over a torn-off dick in glorious 3D. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of as it’s a movie so cool its editor only needs one name: Baxter.

Piranha director Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes remake) bounces back from 08’s uncharacteristic misfire Mirrors and delivers everything one would hope for in a movie with the words ‘Piranha’ and ‘3D’ in the title. Could he be what Wes Craven was back in the 70’s? Arguable, and maybe too early to tell, but what isn’t arguable is that he has a lot of A’s in his name.

Not that you actually need a plot synopsis (blah blah blah piranhas attack) for something like Piranha 3D but…

The movie opens on a grizzled old fisherman on a lake that looks a lot like Richard Dreyfuss playing his Matt Hooper character from Jaws. It is in fact Richard Dreyfuss but he’s not playing Matt Hooper but an entirely new character named Matt…Boyd. There’s a difference. It’s probably coincidence that Dreyfuss is singing the exact same song he, Robert Shaw and Roy Schneider sang in Jaws (“Show me the way to go home…”) but that movie was about a big shark and this is about a lot of mid-size piranhas. Completely different.

It’s just Matt Hoo- Boyd’s bad luck that he’s right in the middle of a lake as an underwater tremor takes place, causing a whirlpool. He just caught a fish too. His boat doesn’t topple over, but the tremor does set loose a fissure which releases a massive school of prehistoric piranhas previously thought extinct. This tremor is special because it releases the piranhas in 3D. They in turn literally chew Matt up and spit him out. We’re sad for him, but that’s short-lived because the opening credits are about to crawl. Matt who?

It’s Spring Break at Lake Iforgotthename and it’s a busy time for Sherriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) and her deputy, Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames). The lake is inundated with college kids looking to drink and get laid, and they’re from a generation that has no fucking idea who Elisabeth Shue is. Forester is partially glad for this relative anonymity because she wants everyone to forget that she danced under a shower curtain with Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

Spring break is important money-making time for the community and Sherriff Forester has to be on her toes for the entire week. She needs her son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) to watch over his towheaded little brother and sister, Zane and Laura (Sage Ryan and Brooklynn Proulx- Brooklynn? Are you sure you want to give your daughter a hooker name before she turns 6?). Sure hope a gaggle of carnivorous razor-toothed fish doesn’t ruin Spring Break by killing everyone.

As if things aren’t busy enough and before you can say Don’t Fuck with the Babysitter, it turns out Matt Boyd is has been missing for a couple of days. Julie and Fallon are on the case, and it only takes them 3 minutes of screentime to find Matt’s corpse, all gnawed up and busted like Mel Gibson’s Maserati.

Forester asks what could have done this?

Audience answers PIRANHAS.

The next day Forester makes some calls and some Scientist-y type people will examine the aftereffects of the tremor. They’re led by Novak (Adam Scott), and he’s accompanied by two other divers who will be dead very, very soon.

Again, Sherriff Forester makes sure that Jake will watch Laura and Zane. Jake lies and says he will. But really, he’s taking an online pornographer named Derrick (Jerry “It’s Cush” O’ Connell) location scouting with a couple of models/exotic dancers (Kelly Brook and Riley Steele) with completely non-stripper names like Crystal and Danni. He pays his siblings a whopping $60 to stay and home and lie to their mother that he watched them the entire time, thus ensuring they will be in grave danger in about 20 minutes.

Jake accompanies Derrick and the naked girls, along with a friend named Kelly (Jessica Szohr) who kinda likes Jake and is a tad bit jealous that he’s hanging out with strippers. Kelly shouldn’t be so szohr about it, as by the end of the movie she’ll probably be alive while the silicone twins will most likely be corpses.

On the trip, Jake sees some things that make him forget he’s supposed to be watching his brother and sister. He’s willing to sacrifice them for the things he’s watching Danni and Crystal do underwater.

Speaking of Laura and Zane, they ditched staying at home because Zane wanted to go fishing. But Zane was a moron and tied an errant knot so their boat floated away and now they’re stranded, but big brother might as well be a million miles away for all he cares about them. Then again, kids do make a nice snack before the adult-sized meals.

Oh, and those Scientist divers that were checking out the fissure left after the tremor (“a lake under a lake”) Well, you can change Scientists from plural to singular as Novak is the only one left alive because he was smart enough to send the 2 other superfluous divers to die. It turns out there are hundreds, possibly even thousands of piranhas let loose after the tremor, and they’re all headed to the lake to take part in Spring Break, piranha-style…

…and though they’ve been in the lower depths of the sea for generations, the piranhas are still shocked Elisabeth Shue is working, though their VHS copy of Leaving Las Vegas is well-worn and loved

What works with Piranha 3D-

1) In a randomly random Back to the Future Part 2 reunion, Christopher Lloyd steals some scenes with Elisabeth Shue as Mr. Goodman (might as well call him Doc Brown), the guy that gives you expository history of the piranha and tells the audience what deep shit every one of the characters is in. Good to know that you can electrocute the piranhas with a charge of about 1.21 Gigawatts.

2) Kelly Brook and Riley Steele’s girl-girl swim is the best use of gratuitous 3D of 2010. Sure, it goes about 2-3 minutes longer than it needs to, but no one with a pulse honestly cares. Hell, the audience watching it was more than willing to feed Laura and Zane to the piranhas for an extra 15 seconds.

3) Jerry O’Connell may always be Cush, but he has ensured his place in Cinema Immortality by uttering the line “It took my _______”. Possibly his finest acting moment. Ever.

4) The final 20 minutes is as carnographically sublime as anything you’ll see this year and practically every frame is bathed in blood and the sinewy flesh of completely fucked college students.

5) Porn Star Gianna Michaels shows that not even parasailing (her character name is, ironically enough, Parasailing Girl) can keep you safe from determined piranhas. It’s strange actually seeing Gianna Michaels on an actual movie screen instead of on TV or a computer monitor. I’m guessing that she has more lines of actual dialogue (of the “Help me I’m dying” variety) than she does in all her movies combined. Of course this is probably the longest she’s been onscreen without something in her mouth.

6) Not to spoil too much of the ending, but needless to say that if you’ve liked the movie up to this point, you’ll be pining for a sequel (“Where are the parents?”).

What doesn’t work-

1) Not that you’re expecting or even want Piranha 3D to be character driven, but it’s a shame that Saw’s Dina Meyer and Ving Rhames are completely wasted in less than nothing roles.

Overall. Boob Count: 16 (including a topless girl cut in half). Body Count: lost track after about 40. Eli Roth leading a Titty Chant Count: 1. See Piranhas Eat pounds of human flesh, Prey on countless victims, and Love the smell of blood. N Bob Briggs says Check it out!