There are two types of horror movie locations I never tire of, no matter how many low-budget flicks use them as a plot point. One is the creepy abandoned asylum; the other is the evil, haunted prison. With all their poorly lighted hallways and eerily decorated rooms, both of these locations help to hype up the tension in otherwise shitty films. While 2001′s brilliant “Session 9″ is without question the definitive spooky asylum flick, prisons still have not received similar treatment. If anyone of you even mentions “Gothika,” I’m pulling this review over and nobody gets to go to “Death Row.” Which would be a shame, for while it’s not the definitive horror prison film I was hoping for, it’s pretty damn close.
Many years ago a brutal riot tore through the cells of the isolated Isla del Roca penitentiary, ending in the deaths of everyone inside its walls…except for one guard, John Elias (Stacy Keach). After interviewing a horribly scared Elias in his new residence at the burn ward, a group of young filmmakers head off to the now-condemned prison in an effort to shed some light on the mysterious and macabre events that unfolded on that small patch of land surrounded by water. Unfortunately for the budding cinematographers, they aren’t the only people inspecting the forgotten structure. A ragtag group of jewel thieves lead by the hotheaded Marco (Jake Busey) have holed themselves up inside Roca, hiding out while they wait for the heat to die down after a robbery got bloody. Once the would-be Spielbergs find themselves in the convicts’ clutches, they soon realize that the living cons aren’t the ones they should be wary of; it’s the dead cons that are methodically picking them off.
Not to be confused with the similarly titled “Death Row” that was also released this year by the eternally pandering Quiroz brothers, this “Death Row” was directed by the self-proclaimed “critically acclaimed horror maestro,” Kevin Van Hook. While Van Hook’s films are fun and generally entertaining, I refuse to believe any of his cheesy horror exploits have ever been “critically acclaimed” by anyone outside his immediate family. But with the budget he had and his handful of hammy actors, “Death Row” works, especially if you’re a more forgiving gore fan.
Whenever the back of a DVD box proclaims its film to be a splatter fest as the flip side of “Death Row”‘s does, it’s usually a good sign that it’s going to be anything but that. Thankfully, for once the film does not disappoint in this department. In fact “Row” proudly showcases two of the most gruesome death scenes in recent memory. The first features one of the jewel thieves losing a fight with a chain link fence, and the other has a con falling to pieces (literally) after taking a ride on a license plate cutting machine. Plus there’s a puke-inducing death involving a ceiling fan that gives viewers a good look at what actress Jamie Mann’s inner self really looks like. I knew I was in for a good time after the first con met his violent end while being pushed through the fence, and my girlfriend said, “I’ve never seen anything like that before; they usually cut away.” Yes, they do, but by not doing so, Van Hook has earned himself a new and grateful fan in this PG-13 run industry.
While the gore is great and plentiful, the other thing “Death Row” has going for it is great creature design. One of our greatest living horror comic artists, Bernie Wrightson, designed several of the ghosts himself, and his style is evident throughout the film. Similar to 2001′s forgettable “13 Ghosts,” all of the vengeful spirits are designed in a way that highlights their manner of death. One ghost has an axe sticking out of his head, another is dragging his chains behind him, while yet another dead con floats overhead with a bed sheet wrapped around his neck. The other nice touch is the blue flames that surround most of the ghosts; it obscures some of the sillier aspects of their designs and helps feed the overall sense of dread present throughout the film.
While Van Hook piles on the gore and atmosphere, he skimps out on the script and character definitions. The jewel thieves are identified by their race or gender, while the only differences between the film school kids is that one is a nerd, one a jock, one a rich kid, etc. Luckily, “Death Row” is entertaining in its excessive violence, and Jake Busey is a hoot as the main jewel thief. While Busey may not be everyone’s cup of tea, he works really well in his best role outside of Peter Jackson’s “The Frighteners,” and his tour-de-force performance on the short-lived UPN show “Shasta McNasty.”
While ‘Death Row” may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it definitely quenched this viewer’s thirst for gore. Creepy and sometimes intentionally funny, “Death Row” is the best horror film shot inside an abandoned prison yet. While not great, “Death Row” is a lot of fun; just make sure you pick up the right film. You want the one featuring Stacy Keach from “Prison Break,” not the “Death Row” starring Todd Bridges from “Diff’rent Strokes.”
7 out of 10 giant Busey teeth
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