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Directed by Stephen Hopkins
Rated R
Review by Dr. Royce Clemens
THE REAPING is a turd that went through the same process that turned Bruce Banner into The Incredible Hulk. You can’t laugh derisively at THE REAPING, nor can you get a headache. You can only stare perplexedly with your jaw hanging open. It’s like watching Nicole Richie trying to belch all the elements of the periodic table. It can’t be done on such little brainpower, and even if it could, attempting would not be the wisest of ideas. I’d call it a trainwreck, but trainwrecks are fun to watch, especially in slow-motion. But that would only make THE REAPING longer.
Hilary Swank (THE NEXT KARATE KID) plays Katherine Winter, who used to be a missionary in the Sudan, but has recently become Professor of Christianity-Is-Icky-ology at LSU. She goes around the world disproving what would be deemed miracles by true believers. She’s apparently good at her job because in her first scene, she breaks down the neurological disorder required to find Dane Cook funny.
But then she gets invited to a backwater shithole in Louisiana, where the river that runs through the town turns to blood. Then frogs fall from the sky. Then flies start swarming. Then the nutless Michael Douglas replacement from BASIC INSTINCT 2 shows up. All in all, times ain’t happy. Suspicion falls on a crazy family in the woods who are apparently devil worshippers. They have a daughter named Lauren (Annasophia Robb of CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY) who is theorized to be the Anti-Christ because, well, this is one of those religious themed horror movies and one of those without a creepy little moppet is like Lindsay Lohan without the skank. IT JUST AIN’T RIGHT!
What follows is so disjointed and amateurish that only the cameraman stops it from being… Dare I say… “Boll-ish.” Scenes have no lead in, no lead out, are done in extreme close-up or bad focus, are speedy quick or boring as sin. Everything is sloppy, nothing makes sense and there’s no center to hold anything. Trying to make enough sense of this mess is my writing it, let alone reading it. So instead of constructing coherent paragraphs, I will instead fight fire with fire and just rattle my complaints off…
-THE REAPING is deeply racist. There are only two black people in all of THE REAPING. One of them is an African native who slaughters Swank’s whole family. The other is apparently the only black man in Louisiana and Swank keeps him as a pet.
-Not only is Lauren the Anti-Christ and capable of unleashing the Plagues of Exodus, in one of the most awkward and goofy scenes in film history we find that contact with her menstrual blood causes poorly edited flashbacks.
-Every house in Louisiana is either a squalid dump or an old-timey plantation. And they all have vintage phonograph records with hard to find Delta Blues records that are played for no apparent reason.
-In a movie about biblical plagues, the name of Christ is barely mentioned. This lends credence to my theory that while God is like Chris Tucker, who will only come out when the money’s good, Satan is actually like Burt Reynolds, who will cameo in practically fucking anything.
-One of the plagues is the blighting of livestock, right? Meaning cows and horses? If so, whomever is unleashing these plagues is doing a half-assed job because HILARY SWANK IS STILL ALIVE!
-William Ragsdale from FRIGHT NIGHT makes an appearance after God knows how many years in obscurity and from the looks of things, he wasn’t too poor to afford twinkies. It’s like he devoured everyone else on HERMAN’S HEAD.
-This may LOOK like the end of Swank’s career, but all she has to do is take a really butch role with a country accent and we’ll chuck another Oscar at her and take her back like nothing happened. As long as she stays in shape and keeps that dialect, she’ll outlive the cockroaches after the apocalypse.
-This is from Stephen Hopkins, the director of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD… NOW will you stay away from this fucking movie?
I should probably say for the record that I am an atheist because, well, here at horroryearbook we thrive on pissing people off and the only hate mail I’M getting is from the other writers, and I’m jealous. But I’m not one of those insufferable atheists who’s a dick about it. Believe it or not there are people out there who believe in God and take comfort and guidance in religion. They take what they get from it and help people, find peace and live good lives. And you could nitpick and disagree with this, but that would make you an idiot.
But because of the ones who give the whole group a bad name, shitty movies like THE REAPING are made. The ones who take sixty wives, consider homosexuality an abomination while snorting coke off a male hooker’s dick and burn HARRY POTTER books. Why are we afraid of God? Well that’s the thing. If you’re an adult, you believe. If you’re a child, you fear. Adults have responsibility and own up to their actions and learn from their mistakes. Kids, no matter what their age or whether or not they have kids of their own, need constant attention so they don’t break anything. One day the parents of these overgrown children will die and well… SOMEone needs to spank them when they’re naughty. So movies like THE REAPING have to be made for these people so they will part with their money in soon and foolish fashion.
But there’s an upside, I suppose. These people will see this movie and think maybe THEIR kid will be the Anti-Christ… That’ll get ‘em to stop fucking…
1/2 out of 4
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